October 3, 2013

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Zombies to lurch over Walnut Street Bridge

Attention All Humans

We regret to inform all of you that on October 5 at 3 p.m., the growing zombie population will convene at the south end of Walnut Street to invade and pillage downtown Chattanooga. Unfortunately, we have reason to believe that the ultimate goal is to consume copious amounts of human brains. Our informants indicate that, since these individuals are already dead, we lack the ability to protect ourselves physically from the rotting demons.  

Thus, the best way to protect ourselves: Join the horde.  Eight talented makeup artists from M.A.C. Cosmetics have volunteered to arrive a few hours early to prep all of us to blend in with the zombie horde. Some resistance fighters were successful in self-preservation last year by sporting generous makeup to imitate zombie wounds and flesh. (A squirt of “Eau de Corpse” probably wouldn’t hurt either.)

Details you should know before joining the Horde: 

• Bring canned goods for the Chattanooga Food Bank. The zombies will be doing so as well to foster better brain growth and development in future victims.

• Don’t stand out. Look and act as zombielike as you can.  

• Don’t forget to register for official membership and recognition in this pseudo-society. Camouflaging yourself under zombie identification only costs $13 at

• Sign up for the Brain Eating Contest if you want to seem more legitimate, but the rest of us might shun you afterward as a disgusting, savage cannibal.  On the other hand, you’ll probably be alive.

At night, the 21-and-up survivors will touch up their makeup (probably by themselves) and head to the zombies’ 9 p.m. after-party at The Honest Pint.  If you can, try to protect the bands from zombification as well—we’ve gotten word that the zombies will force Pack of Wolves, Monomath, Eight Knives, and Full Moon Crazies to play for them before consuming their brains.

Do not panic. And, please, try not to be eaten.

Attention All Zombies

Mark your calendars for 3 - 7 p.m. on October 5,  because Chattanooga’s zombie population will meet en masse at the south end of Walnut Street to terrorize the town with moans, groans, bloody bodies, torn limbs and rotting flesh. The walk is a little long for our decaying muscles, so sustenance will await our arrival to the center of the town, which has a sufficient victim—sorry, human—population to provide enough delicious brains for all participants.

Now, since the zombies of Chattanooga are somewhat more intelligent than your average zombies, we’re going to need donations to participate. Do not panic—no evil zombie overlord is trying to enslave us. You just missed the last ZCCU (Zombie Citizens of Chattanooga Unite) meeting, during which we realized we should probably start fattening humans up before we run out of brains. To join our reckless, feckless band of brain-devouring bandits, we encourage you to bring the “people food” they keep in cans or just some money that you stole from your neighbors or that kid who walks past your gutter to get home from school everyday.

Additionally, we have a few rules this time because some people (“cough, DAVE, cough”) thought it would be OK to start a world-domination thing at the last minute, causing chaos and, worse, no brains for anyone. Please visit to review the rules, register to become official, recognized members of the Horde’s Chattanooga chapter ($13 fee—remember, gotta feed those humans), and sign up for the first annual brain-eating contest.

Zombie Walk, 3 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 5. Both zombies and humans must register in advance,


October 3, 2013

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