Wishing a Happy New Year to some of our beloved politicians
Past behavior is the best predictor for future behavior. With that in mind, I intend to predict what resolutions our political sycophants will make and provide suggestions for a more constructive alternative.
Our state senators, Bo Watson and Todd Gardenhire—who share one mind or less between the two of them—will resolve to deny health care to as many Tennesseans as possible, collect large sums of money and perks from the Koch brothers and their ALEC masters, and find guns that are safe to carry in the Legislative Plaza. As an alternative, I would propose that Dumb and Dumber resolve to leave the Senate so that they can devote themselves full-time to running Volkswagen with Gerald McCormick and Bob Corker.
Our beloved Lieutenant Governor Ron Ramsey will surely resolve to make sure that every white Christian in Tennessee will be armed with AR-15s and flamethrowers. Black Christians, not so much.
You may think that flamethrowers are over the top, but let me remind you that even though flamethrowers are banned for use in wars, private ownership is legal. UTK Chancellor Jimmy Cheek and his Department of Diversity and Inclusion would think twice about launching a war on Christmas by teaching tolerance and kindness toward others if Ron Ramsey and Jimmy Duncan were armed with flamethrowers.
As an alternative, I would encourage Ramsey to resolve to actually read the Bible, especially the Gospels, where Jesus instructs us to turn the other cheek, love your neighbor, and even love your enemy. Maybe then he would discover the difference between Christianity and hypocrisy.
Our beloved Congressman Chucky Fleishman will likely resolve to be more like his hero, Mike Huckabee, who entered the Republican presidential primary and then evaporated into thin air. Chucky has already emulated this disappearing act in Congress. Instead, I would encourage the absentee congressman to resolve to get funding to complete the work on the lock at the Chickamauga Dam. Twenty years of failure by Republican congressmen is long enough.
What New Year would be complete without our two brainless U.S. senators? Corker and Alexander will resolve to find new ways to play “Monday Morning Quarterback” with the president while they sit on their hands and do nothing but snuggle up to corporate interests and proclaim that money is speech. No, Senators, money is not speech. Money is a tool that the super-rich and their lapdogs in the Senate use to flimflam citizens. My hope is that you will resolve to stop your worship of big money and do something for our state for a change.
Last but not least, Donald Trump will resolve to make America white again by deporting all Mexicans, Moslems, African-Americans, Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese and Black Irish. My fervent hope is that the Donald will tire of associating with this American riffraff and resolve to move to a whiter country. I bet that Vlad Putin has an extra space near Edward Snowden’s room.
To the rest of you, have a safe and happy New Year.
Terry Stulce is native Tennessean, who attended the University of Tennessee on an ROTC scholarship and graduated magna cum laude in 1967. He served two combat tours in Vietnam, one with the 101st Airborne and one with the 69th Border Rangers. He was an LCSW and owner of Cleveland Family Counseling before retirement in 2009.
Photo by Shondra Hull