Terry Stulce gazes into his magic political crystal ball for coming headlines
With a new year comes a new political era for the United States and the world. Let’s fire up the political time machine and see what the future holds in store.
January 21 – Russia invades and occupies Alaska while Sarah Palin watches from her front porch. President Trump doubts the reports of the Intelligence community and suggests it is the work of 400 pound men from New Jersey.
February 1 – Secretary of HHS, Tom Price and Speaker Paul Ryan release a joint statement that they intend to repeal not only Obama Care but also Medicare. Both programs will be replaced by $50 vouchers at Walgreens.
February 14 – Attorney General Jeff Sessions announces he will no longer enforce the Voting Rights Act. Southern states consider returning to the poll tax and literacy tests until they realize that would eliminate most of the Republican base.
March 4 – Secretary of Defense Mad Dog Mattis announces that the Draft will be reinstated immediately to reinforce our southern border against the starving families and children fleeing from the violence and chaos of Central America.
April 1 – Secretary of Education Betsy Devos announces that all public schools will be closed at the end of this school year. Public school will be replaced by coupons for 20 percent off tuition at Trump University.
April 15 – While on a tour of H.U.D. high rises in Brooklyn, Secretary Ben Carson misidentifies them as granaries built by Joseph and the residents as Egyptians.
May 1 – Secretary of Labor, Andrew Pazder, announces that child labor laws and minimum wage laws will be repealed. In an accompanying statement, he said,” Using our Burger King model of free enterprise, our 21st Century workforce will be free to work for any wage for their whole life cycle from cradle to grave. Since children won’t be in Kindergarten, they could start work before age 5. We can finally compete with slave labor in Bangladesh”
June 21 – During a cabinet meeting, Ben Carson has an epiphany that he is Black.
July 4 – EPA director, Scott Pruitt, claims that the deadly fog that has hung over the entire USA for the last two months is not the result of deregulating of airborne toxins. He said, “High levels of lead, arsenic, carbon monoxide, and sulfur dioxide occur naturally in nature. The link between air pollution and cancer, lung disease, and premature death is not documented except for thousands of clinical studies.”
August 4 – Trump announces that the State Department and Energy department will be consolidated into the State Energy department under Rex Tillerson signaling that our foreign policy will be totally dominated by our fossil fuel interests.
September 11 – The Putin-Trump “bromance” comes to fruition when they merge Russia and the USA into a single nation, the USAR. (United States of Russia-America) The world’s first Oligarchy will be ruled by a board of billionaires with Putin as the Chairman of the Board and Trump as CEO.
December 25 – They lived “happily ever after” until Trump and Putin, overcome by their own greed, argued over the distribution of profits. Blinded by their shared narcissism and arrogance, they struggle over the nuclear codes and…
Terry Stulce served two combat tours in Vietnam, one with the 101st Airborne and one with the 69th Border Rangers. He was an LCSW and owner of Cleveland Family Counseling before retirement in 2009.