March 14, 2012

Do you like this?

Listen to NPR's coverage of the Republican presidential candidates—and if you don’t, you should—as they barnstorm the South and you’ll rediscover an embarrassing truth, which is to say there remains a great deal of ignorance, thinly veiled racism and a decided, though hardly shocking, preference for God’s Rule over that of, say, the Constitution when it comes to determining the direction of this country. It’s no mistake that Righteous Rick Santorum would do so well here.

Despite its reputation as a left-leaning, elitist media outlet largely funded by taxpayer dollars (perpetuated by right-leaning demagogues and Repugnicants), NPR does not mock the slow-talking common folk it features in its reports. Rather, they clearly mark the entry to their reports with two doors: one reads “I Am The Stereotypical Moron Southerner You Always Thought I Was,” the other “We Just Don’t Like a Black Muslim Leading Our Country.” Most walk right through one or the other without a whiff of contemplation. Amazing.

Nevertheless, it would, as Romney’s own campaign trumpets, take an “act of God” for any other candidate but Mittens to collect the number of delegates necessary to win the nomination. We know little about acts of God (besides the plummeting career of Kirk Cameron, for which we applaud God!), but it does seem ... inevitable. Meanwhile, Mittens has been spending time Down South, apparently eating “cheesy grits” and mixing up Alabama songs. Republicans are getting used to the idea, even if Romney has little if anything to offer anyone. This entire campaign season should be labeled “Someone, Anyone ... But That Guy (insert candidate).”

But wait, it’s March! Which means Young Weston Wamp is turning 25 (on March 26), the magic age to assume the office he seeks—and that means ... a party/fundraiser! For his big day, Weston is bringing country “star” John Rich (of Big & Rich—ha! Get it?), who stumped heavily for Wamp’s pop Zach during his failed 2010 bid for the governor’s office, for a bash at Lindsay Street Hall. Weston seems to think Rich will “help get people interested” in his campaign. Yes, Weston, that will do it, absolutely. We can’t think of a room we’d rather not be in than one full Wamp family members, youngish Repugnicants and a marginal country singer! That sounds just like ... Riverbend. Sigh.

Please, someone—anyone—feel free to jump in. The door is open.

March 14, 2012

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