December 22, 2011

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The herd of would-be congresspeople continued to expand last week, as the pool of candidates grew to include the first Democrat to enter the fray and a third Republican challenger to mount an assualt on the 3rd District seat currently held by Chuck Fleischmann. Though other Pachyderms—notably Robin Smith and J.B. Bennett—had considered runs for Chuck’s place in Washington, the surprising fundraising prowess of Young Weston Wamp may have deterred them from mounting what appears to be an expensive campaign ahead.

The Son of Wamp stunned political watchers with his record-setting fundraiser at the Bogo home on Dec. 5, netting more than $250,000 in his Quixotic first attempt at running for public office.

But new Democratic challenger Bill Taylor, who tossed his hat in the ring  last week, rubbing aside the younger Wamp’s ambition like so much jock itch.

“What’s he done?,” Taylor remarked coolly in a report published on the website. “I’ve been in the business for 30 years of getting people the benefits they were promised.”

Taylor was alluding to his career as owner of  Physician’s Practice Resources, which strikes us as the sort of firm that gets physicians the money they were promised. But what do we know?

It’s fun to have a sacrificial Democrat in the race! Taylor is probably doomed. While we’re sure he’s got some cash to waste, it’s been 20 years since a Donk represented the district in Congress. Not great odds.

Taylor is pitching himself as a compromise candidate representative of the region’s Middle-of-the-Road Values. Taking a jab at the incumbent’s legal profession (referencing, we think, Shakespeare’s famous line from Henry VI, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”), Taylor professed not to know much about his opponent, but did acknowledge that there has long been a lack of local representative who works with the other side to get things done.

“I’m not going to dig myself into a trench and shoot at the opposition,” Taylor told Nooga. Bang!

Meanwhile, Chuck remains invisibly unflustered by the recent spate of activity, his flacks repeating the position that the Congressman is busy tending to the business of The People in the Capital. We’re always glad to hear that, because The People we talk to don’t think much business at all is being tended to in D.C.

The latest Phant to join the pack is Ron Bhalla, an Indian immigrant and vice president of the Hamilton County Pachyderm Club. Yawn.

Trouble is, besides Dimples Wamp, the rest of the pack has all the sex appeal of Abe Vigoda. And, really, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Besides, the Big Money is already divided. The race is set. Time to place your bets. (Hey, we cross the line between provocative and outrageous on an hourly basis.)

Sure, we’ve teased and taunted the Wamp Thing, but let’s face it: If the alternative is Chuck—who might look half decent if he tamed that nasty cowlick and rocked some A&F here and there—we’d just as soon hitch our wagon to Weston, who, while lacking experience, seems to have a dramatic effect on the female populace here at DizzyTown. In a new Pulse Poll, voters are pretty much in favor of shirtless candidate, flexing his manflesh a la Scott Brown (see our new Facebook poll). So there you have it! Hotness wins the day. Isn’t politics fun?

Besides, we’re sure Weston won’t actually be running the show. Ha! Young, good-looking, energetic? Check. A Republican Rebel and Independent Thinker? We think not.

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December 22, 2011

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