The best vehicles to survive winter ice, heat storms and waves
It’s been a confusing weather year so far. Is it going to be icemaggedon or tornadoes and record rain and warmth? Why not alternate both! I bet you’re hatethanking me now for those snow tires I convinced you to get for the 1.6 days a year you actually need them!
Obviously, climate change makes buying tires based on antiquated notions of “weather” obsolete: We need to be prepared for inland tsunamis, volcanoes, hurriquakes, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, and mass hysteria.
And for that, we should have vehicles that are completely appropriate for every imaginable scenario, that will commute comfortably; hold passengers, pets, groceries and moving boxes; handle well; and offer all the safety, convenience and comfort we expect in a modern car.
Impossible, you say? Hardly. Here’s a guide to car buying in the face of existential insecurity.
Spyker D12/D8 Peking-to-Paris
Dutch automaker Spyker has tried twice to build a go-anywhere luxury car; with both a V-12 and a V-8. Debuted in 2006, it never generated sufficient interest to justify the expense; then Spyker’s disastrous involvement with Saab bankrupted the company.
Now reinvigorated, Spyker is looking at the successful $250,000 Bentley Bentyaga 4x4 with a gleam in their eye and they expect to have a competitively priced Peking-to-Paris ready for 2017, using a V-12 and/or all-electric power.
Studebaker M-29 Weasel
While I don’t think $265,000 (est.) is too much for what you’re getting with the (hypothetical) Spyker, maybe you want an American-made vehicle that has all the capabilities for 1/10th the price.
Studebaker’s M-29 Weasel (technically, you want the passenger-carrying M-28 and not the cargo-configured M-29, but that’s what everyone knows it as) was built in South Bend, Indiana in the thousands, specifically for a WWII arctic mission in Norway.
The mission never happened, but the go-anywhere Weasel was so good it was used throughout the European and African theatres until the end of the war. Afterwards, it became popular for polar and jungle exploration, as well as the developing ski industry. If high water is a worry, go for the fully amphibious Water Weasel.
Tatra T-815 Force
You may not be overly familiar with the Czech auto industry, but let me assure you that Tatra is the real deal. Their extensive truck line is highlighted by the availability of four-wheel drive heavy vehicles, starting with 4x4s and going up to the only stock 12x12s on the planet.
If you don’t like their own European V-8, you can build your Force with either a Cat or Cummins diesel and Allison transmission that’s easily serviceable almost anywhere. Proven on the Dakar Rally, it is practical and practically indestructible.
Christy 9205
Have you ever considered a nice hovercraft? Think of this big Christy as an amphibious RV--it’s got an automotive-style cabin that holds 9 people in seats and couches that convert to beds, with options like pop-up tables and anything else you want to add.
Hovercraft don’t care what kind of surface they’re on, as long as it’s relatively flat, so gravel, water, ice and grass are all the same to it.
A great thing about hovercraft is that they’re not governed by the same regulations as a car or truck, meaning you can buy the Russian-made Christy fairly easily—on water, it’s subject to US Coast Guard regulations; on land, it’s an off-road vehicle.
Sandworm
Not everyone has what it takes to call, harness and ride one of these giant beasts of the desert, but I feel the rewards are worth it. The Shai-Hulud are functionally immortal and indestructible, with a few minor drawbacks: They are unable to move through rock, although they’ll generally have no trouble crossing over it.
Water in quantity is poisonous to them; at the same time, their complex life cycle requires it and if you start with a sufficient quantity of their young (sand trout), they will in time move all the earth’s free water into the planet’s lower strata, making the surface safe for the adults.
Housing them can also be problematic. However, their all-terrain usability, and of course, valuable spice excretions, more than make up for any inconvenience.
David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who recently quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. Follow him on Twitter as @proscriptus.