The automotive answer man answers your automotive questions
Editor’s Note: David is dealing with an issue involving Ursus americanus, otherwise known as the black bear, so we’re re-running one of our favorite past columns.
We don’t get a lot of mail here at Air Bag, and most of what we do get was actually intended for Dr. Rick over at Shrink Wrap. Which has been awfully positive, but I digress.
That said, once or twice a year we accumulate enough letters of our own to put them together and answer them.
Bear in mind that while I answer questions to the best of my ability, I am an expert and my responses should not be considered an opinion, but absolute fact from which you should never deviate.
“Why is my ‘check engine’ light on?” —Anne
There are only three reasons your check engine light, or CEL, could be on. CELs are triggered when your Onboard Diagnostic System (OBD-II) throws a code, in your case because your gas cap isn’t on all the way. I did notice and I was going to say something, but I really wanted you to write. The other reasons are low blinker fluid, and humidity.
“I hear a grinding noise when I apply my brakes, what could cause that?” —Mark A
Mark, grinding brakes usually mean you need new brake pads and maybe rotors, but what happened to you is that when you “drove” through that cornfield, pieces of corn stalk got stuck in your brakes. You also have a dead mouse in your radiator and you’re rapidly going bald.
“When do I need to replace my timing belt?” —G. Gordon L
Your timing belt has already broken and as you have an “interference” engine, it’s a pile of junk. Start walking, schmuck. A noninterference engine stays out of your, and everybody else’s, bidness. Think about that next time.
“My car has been stalling intermittently, and there doesn’t seem to be any pattern.” —Eloise S
Great name, Eloise. Are you single? If not, does it really matter that much to you? Anyhoo, the stalling actually does have a pattern—it happens approximately 315 miles after the last time you put gas in the car. Call me next time.
“My mechanic says I need to have a brake/transmission/coolant fluid flush, but I’ve heard that’s a scam.” —Henry F
That is not in the form of a question, Henry. You should have all of them flushed every 60 days, personally, by me. Thirty days. Weekly. Maybe next time you’ll follow directions.
“Eloise’s wasn’t in the form of a question, either, but you answered her. Also, what is the proper fuel to use in my car?” —Aimee K
I’ll allow it. Aimee is also a nice name. Do you know Eloise? Your car can run on any petroleum product, anyone who tells you otherwise is in the pocket of Big Oil. Freethinkers everywhere know that picking up a four pack of five gallon jugs of vegetable oil from Walmart is half the cost of gas and 1,000 percent more eco-friendly.
“How much is my used car worth?” —Condoleeza R.
I will give you $9,999.99 for it, no cash down and no credit checks. Bring your whole family down to Crazy Dave’s House of Cards, er, Cars, where we’re grilling up free hot dogs for the kids every single day!
“I am purchasing a used vehicle, is it a good choice?” —Ken S.
Ken, you haven’t made a single good choice in your life, why start now? Was it a good choice to have three children while you were still living with your mom? Was it a good choice to get that tattoo on your forehead? Sure, go ahead and buy a Mustang Cobra. There is absolutely no way you could regret it. Yolo, babe.
David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. Follow him on Twitter as @proscriptus.