Columns

Officer Teach’s Guide to the Art of Testifying

Thu, 16 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT

Being a charitable fellow and also an eternal teacher at heart, I believed I was pre-determined to ‘help’ them by destroying any semblance of rhythm on their part.

Failure to Communicate

Thu, 09 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT

“NO! DON’T TOUCH IT! DO NOT TOUCH THAT GUN!” He just looked at me stupidly, head cocked to the side, and his left hand gripped the bottom of his untucked shirt to lift it higher as his right hand moved towards the gun…

Lawsuits of the Stupid and Stupider

Wed, 01 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT

Despite his wound, the old guy is able to return fire with his .357 revolver and hits his burglarizing, home-invading drug-addict attacker four times.

One Cop. Well Done.

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT

Two pork chops and a bag of popcorn? Are you kidding me? That’s what you call dinner?” he screamed. I looked at him blankly from across the room, feeling no emotion…only a breeze against my shirtless back through the open screen door behind me.

Training Day

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT

A few decades ago they issued axe handles out of garbage cans on the back lot of police headquarters to assist in quelling race-riots that plagued Chattanooga. I can safely mention this now because literally all the administrators responsible for tha

Greasy Bullets: The Cop Diet

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT

It seemed plausible that we had easily consumed more fried chicken livers than any two men combined in local history, and too much of such a unique element had to have consequences.

Cease Fire? Great.

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT

I was recently asked what I thought about a truce called by local gang leaders a few weeks ago (as of press time). My response was both quick and heartfelt: “Great.”

Last Words

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

It’s with a very heavy heart, and dried up pen, that I announce this will be the last column I file with The Pulse. I hate to admit it, but after 5-? years, it’s time for the paper to print something other than my inane observations and pet peeves...

A Desk Job in East Chattanooga

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

Jesus, was that smell me? I rolled back semi-reclined and glanced to see blood still on my boots, but it didn’t have time to have “gone over,” and there certainly weren’t any brains on them; I had been careful.

Not a Fan

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

Personally, I’ve never used that phrase verbatim, although readers of this column can attest that there are many, many things that I’m not a big fan of. And, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to list several more.

Crime Culprit: Cops

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

I’m a brilliant sumbitch, but even Einstein would deduce that drugs are openly sold because there are people willing to pay for them, and therefore people will be willing to sell them no matter the consequences.

Cowards: The New Heroes

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

This guy was shot in the back. He was unarmed. I heard it was over a girl.” My young General looked confused. I said, “That’s not gangsta; that’s a coward.

More Gluten, Please!

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

I couldn’t help but think at the time that up until a couple of years ago I had no idea what the hell gluten was, and I doubt many of you did either. However, suddenly there’s a growing number of people dead set on keeping gluten away from their gut.

Excessive Force

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

Last week, a graphic video of local police using force to affect an arrest was released prompting discord from every corner of the city, from citizens to administrators.

Healthy? Pay Up

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT

Is it me or does this seem unfair? If I’m watching my diet, exercising and not running to the doctor every time I have a sniffle shouldn’t I be rewarded with reduced premiums? My car insurance company thinks so.