December 15, 2011

Do you like this?

One phenomenon people my age are likely past the pleasure of ever knowing again is the unbridled, yet pain-in-the-ass thrill of the “first date.” And friends, let me tell you it’s still is one of the most unnerving experiences one can face.

Dating, by definition, is a courting period when a couple can get to know each other, decide if they want to remain with each other and possibly produce offspring that resembles exactly half of each. However, the concept of “dating” means very different things to the sexes.

To guys, any alone time with a single female for whom we have carnal feelings could turn into a “date” at any second. To ladies on the other hand, time spent with a single guy is only a date if THEY consider it a date. They know what we guys are up to, and they’re on guard.

That said, let’s explore what most guys think about dating. To a guy, dating is one of the most expensive, confusing and most likely unfruitful experiences we’re required to face as men. You know why? Because no matter what our feelings are, intentions might be, or how light our wallet becomes after, a date is only a date if the girl says it’s a date.

You could pick her up in a limo, fly her by private jet down to Aruba, sit her down at a private luau, pay Wayne Newton to serenade her while you both sip Dom Perignon ’62 fireside and if she’s not interested in you in “that” way—you’ll have to settle for a peck on the cheek. On the other hand, you could meet her on the sidewalk, give her the rest of your ice cream  cone and—if she’s hot for you—she’ll be licking the dribbles off your chin by the time you make it back to the car.

The problem therefore lies in when a date is a “date?” Men, the hunters of our breed, need to slay many mates in order to find one to “share pelt with.” Women, on the other hand, get very nervous about our manly ways and rather than being “knocked over the head and dragged back to the cave,” will play coy with our intentions until they’re comfortable with the prospect of “making fire” with man.  

A girl wants to quickly define what can be expected from her interactions with a male before the Trans Am pulls up in the driveway. In fact, she’ll place subtle hints within conversations leading up to the event to ensure the guy doesn’t get the wrong idea.

If she’s not interested in you at all, she’ll blow you off, forget to call you back, or be too busy to try and make a plan. Or, if she’s horny and you happen to be good-looking, she’ll do you and then never call you again.

On the other extreme, if she’s into you she’ll make you take her on the one real dinner date (which she’ll remember every single detail of for the rest of your relationship) and give you a really sexy goodnight kiss before she sends you home to masturbate. She’s obviously “holding out” until the second date for sex so she doesn’t seem as promiscuous as you wanted her to be but didn’t want to admit being.

The gray area lies in when a woman is on the fence about a guy. First, she starts throwing out clues about her uncertainty with the prospect. “I could meet you there,” “Sure, we could hang out,” then after dinner, “Let’s go to that bar where all of my friends are right now,” and then at the end of the night, “I’ve got a really big day tomorrow—call me!” (peck).


December 15, 2011

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