chuck crowder 2013
Lately I’ve overheard several people use the phrase, “I’m not a big fan of [fill in the blank with appropriate unpopular item].” In fact, some people use this declaration so often that one friend of mine keeps a list in his phone of his wife’s “not a big fan of” disdains (probably a good idea for perpetuating marital bliss). Personally, I’ve never used that phrase verbatim, although readers of this column can attest that there are many, many things that I’m not a big fan of. And, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to list several more. You should try this too,’ cause it’s loads of fun.
I’m not a big fan of uneven pavement. With all of the advances we’ve made over the years in asphalt and concrete technology, there is no reason for someone to ever trip on a sidewalk or feel a bump in the road in the middle of downtown Chattanooga. Let’s buy one less blue rhino and patch every downtown street. We’re Gig City, for Pete’s sake.
I’m not a big fan of clothing conformity. Whether its navy blazers and slacks, spray-painted motorcycle jackets or the hipster skinny-jean/striped-T-shirt/stocking-cap uniform, the practice of trading originality for conformity really irks me. You can tell how creative someone truly is by the thought and style they put into what they wear.
I’m not a big fan of handguns. In my opinion, it’s fairly ignorant to believe that the casual owner of a gun “for protection” has the balls to point it at another human being, let alone pull the trigger. If you’re faced with someone pointing a gun at you, then they’ve likely used it before and aren’t afraid to use it again. In the split second you’re trying to decide whether you’re morally in the right for shooting this individual, they would’ve shot you already. On the other hand, it’s much harder to pull the trigger against an unarmed person—even if you’re a heartless criminal.
I’m not a big fan of hip-hop. I’ve heard just enough of it to know that there are three tricks (or less) for making a popular hip-hop song. One, you must have the most annoying keyboard sound you can find playing in an endless loop. Two, you must have a chant (a la “jump, jump, jump, jump”) going on in the background in lieu of an actual chorus. And last but not least, the lead vocalist must either 1) quiver the syllables of a word instead of actually holding a note, or 2) manipulate their voice by bending notes through the bastardized use of Auto-Tune. Only then will you have kids saving their lunch money for iTunes downloads.
I’m not a big fan of shopping for pants. It’s really a pain to grab a few pairs of what you think your size is, go into the dressing room, take your shoes off and try them on just to find out that they’re a tad too big or too small, but not enough to go down or up a size. Will I really lose a couple of pounds so they’ll fit better? I can’t tell what my ass looks like in these! Too long, too short, too loose, too tight. Then you’ve got to put your shoes back on and find some more to try. It’s a whole production.
I’m not a big fan of fans. By fans, I don’t mean the kind that keep you cool. I mean rabid college football fans. If you end most conversations during the fall with “Go Vols,” “War Eagle” or “Roll Tide,” then I’m looking right at you. And it’s not OK to just have one sticker, shirt or bit of swag to announce you’re affiliation—the rabid fan must have all of it. You must drape all this over your car, body, house, dog and your baby. What’s really annoying is to see that 97 percent of those adorning UT or Alabama garb never attended these colleges (or at all) in the first place.
Finally, I’m not a big fan of overused songs. I’m talking about tunes that have been used in movies, commercials and weddings so often that they’ve become bland, generic shells of themselves. I’m all for using music to evoke a mood or feeling, but I’ll never, ever have to buy a Black Keys album as long as I keep watching TV.
That’s it for me. What are you not a big fan of? Just don’t say me.
Chuck Crowder is a local writer and man about town. His opinions are his own.