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Sleep of the Civil Servant

Daylight is the other major enemy. If I’d recycled the aluminum foil I’ve used over a 12-year period to block out sunlight from various rooms, I’d be named in Al Gore’s last will and testament. more »

Oct 17, 2013 by in On The Beat

Take a Number, Please

“Too, shy shy,” my partner whispered randomly. “Hush hush, eye to eye…” His head bobbed as he recited this, but I didn’t even hear goofy shit like this anymore, it was so common. Our guy in the backseat looked on confusedly. more »

Oct 10, 2013 by in On The Beat

Journalistic Jewelry

And where does that leave me? With the NAACP making the most cogent and sensible response to an awkward-to-terrible situation. How the hell did that happen? more »

Oct 3, 2013 by in On The Beat

Girl Talk, Weapons Grade

“I know, right?!” I said excitedly…and about that time, a Brainerd cop in the booth behind me who had been typing up a report on his portable slapped the laptop lid closed, abruptly stood up, and glared at us as he began to walk past. more »

Sep 26, 2013 by in On The Beat

Party: Over

To my horror, the friend thought both he and I were insane and that the current generation of know-it-alls and slackers were, in fact, doing their best to raise the bar for the next as is their genetic mission. more »

Sep 19, 2013 by in On The Beat (2 Comments)

Dreams of Insomnia

Is this all there is? Is this what I have to look forward to, where I came from, or where I shall be? It is horrible, to be nothing. To be Void. more »

Sep 12, 2013 by in On The Beat

Irony In Armor

It was originally intended to replace steel belting in vehicle tires, but 10 years later, it was field tested with cops as armor, and that’s where the pulse of modern ballistic protection started beating. more »

Sep 5, 2013 by in On The Beat

Derailing the Crazy Train

They were actively holding meetings on the topic as well as conducting training sessions that detailed their plans to secretly videotape police officers, pick a cop to abduct, and find a house that could be used as a jail and torture chamber. more »

Aug 29, 2013 by in On The Beat (1 Comments)

The Inhuman Canvas

I eased onto the street and found the duplex and its correct side and let the music play out as I secured my car. My apparent customer was already approaching and began to talk with one hand firmly planted on her hip. more »

Aug 22, 2013 by in On The Beat

Officer Alex and the Electronaut

It was there that he failed to complete a job application, but gloriously managed to complete a circuit, and in the process discovered the difference between state law and “Ohm’s Law”: You can fool one, but never the other. more »

Aug 15, 2013 by in On The Beat

Cop Hydrotherapy

While some personal events of this year have left scars no surgeon could hide, I can't help but think of the last few days of work before I left. A truly unique sense of joy flowed through otherwise frustratingly monotonous hallways. more »

Aug 8, 2013 by in On The Beat

Concourse Discourse

“I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T CATCH WHAT YOU SAID,” my P.A. blared. “IT JUST SEEMS KIND OF WEIRD THAT YOU JUMPED OUT OF YOUR CAR LIKE THAT.” more »

Aug 1, 2013 by in On The Beat

D.U.I.: The Great Equalizer

The great equalizer. The bringer of death in some cases, but humility to all, is just a few beers or whiskeys away, so be mindful of the beast. more »

Jul 25, 2013 by in On The Beat (1 Comments)

A Cop’s-Eye View of “The Verdict”

At the end of a sequence of events that I don’t feel the need to repeat, George Zimmerman was arrested and tried for the second-degree murder of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. more »

Jul 18, 2013 by in On The Beat

The Hurt Locker

There are two outcomes here: The cops will get the hint and quit trying. Or we will have to start punishing the bad guys with the support of the people. more »

Jul 11, 2013 by in On The Beat (1 Comments)

Brightside of the Southside

I took a little heat recently for a recent comment I made about the Southside of Chattanooga after last week’s “Weekly Perfectly Justifiable Felonious Shooting Competition.” People were saying I sullied its name and espoused only the negatives, the more »

Jul 4, 2013 by in On The Beat

Dare To Be Stupid

He and I very calmly talked it out. I think we came to a mutual agreement, and I repeated this discussion at his sentencing for one Class E and two Class B Felonies... more »

Jun 27, 2013 by in On The Beat (2 Comments)

Nature vs. Nurture: A Cop Duality

Narcs, traffic cops, robbery squads—totally different personalities unified only by a common patch, a common badge. No, I’m referring to the staple of the profession: Uniformed street cops. more »

Jun 20, 2013 by in On The Beat

Same Outfit: Different Decade

I had no idea where I’d be in the next year, much less ten or 15, but I sure enjoyed where I was at for the moment. I mean really: Could the city or the job get any better than this? more »

Jun 13, 2013 by in On The Beat

A Cop’s Silent Therapy

In my experience, the only thing that has ever consistently “healed all wounds” is a stiff shot of bourbon, but perhaps that was just the broken part of me speaking. I assumed it was broken, anyway. more »

Jun 6, 2013 by in On The Beat (2 Comments)

Cynicism: It’s What’s For Breakfast

"Cynicism, like silence, is like an old friend: it will rarely betray you." And it is with no small degree of irony that the person who passed that phrase on to me ultimately betrayed me. Hah. more »

May 29, 2013 by in On The Beat

Unorthodox…Make That Just Weird

It’s not like you’re stabbing someone, but this is just…it’s just weird. Who does this?’ It was rhetorical, so I decided to tread lightly. more »

May 23, 2013 by in On The Beat

Officer Teach’s Guide to the Art of Testifying

Being a charitable fellow and also an eternal teacher at heart, I believed I was pre-determined to ‘help’ them by destroying any semblance of rhythm on their part. more »

May 16, 2013 by in On The Beat

Failure to Communicate

“NO! DON’T TOUCH IT! DO NOT TOUCH THAT GUN!” He just looked at me stupidly, head cocked to the side, and his left hand gripped the bottom of his untucked shirt to lift it higher as his right hand moved towards the gun… more »

May 9, 2013 by in On The Beat

Lawsuits of the Stupid and Stupider

Despite his wound, the old guy is able to return fire with his .357 revolver and hits his burglarizing, home-invading drug-addict attacker four times. more »

May 1, 2013 by in On The Beat

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