Officer Alex applies Sun Tzu to a traffic stop
So I got pulled over the other day.
It's a strange sensation for me. Not for the role reversal, but for the fact that I tend to drive in my 40's the way most people do in their 80's (not out of due caution or anything, I just detest being in a hurry for anything) so my curiosity is piqued.
Was there a vehicle defect? Or perhaps a bloody human hand protruding from the trunk? Or would this just be a little game of “Constitutional Roulette”, as I liked to call it, by a bored copper?
I did what came naturally and used my turn signal to pull over to the left, and upon stopping I rolled down my window...then jammed my hands straight out, fingers splayed, and waited for instructions.
I have been pulled over maybe two times in the last decade, and I did the same thing that first time as I was doing now, and it had the same effect now as then in stopping the City's law enforcement representative in his tracks for a few seconds. (In fact, he took a step back towards his door.)
“Sir,” he yelled. “Why are your hands out the window like that?”
“Because I'm afraid of being shot by a rookie cop,” I responded, watching him in the mirror.
Now he was puzzled.
I was complying, which is usually a 50/50 occurrence, but I was in fact complying too much and I could tell this was messing up the script.
What was he going to say? “Keep your hands inside the vehicle where I cannot see them?” “Stop complying?”
This possibly hasn't happened to him before and while I was, in fact, afraid of being shot by a rookie cop, I was now amused.
The aforementioned options not gaining traction in his mind, he finally began to proceed towards my car again for lack of a better option. This time, however, I could see him unsnap one of the safeties on his holster.
He came up to the window in a bladed position, kind of turned towards the passenger door, with his right hand understandably on the butt of his pistol.
“Sir, you can put your hands in the car.” I did so, placing them on the wheel at the 2 and 10.
“Okay, I pulled you over for driving left of center,” he continued. I did not agree with this, but I also know I've got him operating on a level 9 instead of a healthier level 4 so I chose not to dispute it at this point.
“I need your license and registration, and proof of insurance.”
“I am using my right hand and opening my glove box,” I informed him before doing so.
His left eyebrow raised and I could see he was breathing a bit faster. What was WITH this guy? he was thinking, until he couldn't take it anymore. “Sir, why are you acting this way. I'm not going to shoot you.”
“That's why I'm acting this way. I'm getting my wallet out of my back pocket with my right hand now.”
Officer Friendly has now gone from nervous to cautious to at long last getting a little pissed.
“Who taught you this?” he asked.
“The police academy,” I responded. And at that, his jaws clenched while his sphincter assumedly relaxed in concert.
“Are you shitting...” He glanced down at his body camera and corrected. “Are you kidding me?! You best have some ID.”
“You didn't even ask me about my gun?” I queried as I produced my sworn credentials.
I could tell when he threw them back into my lap and walked away in disgust that the encounter was at an end, which means I got to maintain my current 100 percent traffic stop survival rating.
It's all about finding a balance, folks. You have your extremes of resisting, and I have my extremes of complying. Funny how they nearly generate the same results, yeah?
When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.