The good doctor on relationship reciprocity and heart health
So here we are in February…the month of physical heart health and romantic heart health. Which reminds me about one of my favorite self-care images—it’s a reminder, really—which is a physiology lesson taught to medical students during their early training: the first task of the heart is to pump blood to itself.
When I give talks I often discuss something I call “healthy selfishness”. The concept usually raises eyebrows of those who hear it for the first time, so conditioned are we to think of anything associated with the word “selfish” as negative.
Yet healthy selfishness really just means good self-care. Sounds simple enough, but rarely are we taught the value of this. That not only is it okay, but it’s important. Much like the heart, if we are to be present with others, we must first make sure we are present to what’s going on within. We must be able to listen, to hear, and to be fully here in the moment. Being available to yourself means that your mind and body are quietly focused and paying attention.
If you can commit to this level of care with yourself, then you’ll be much better able to extend compassion, understanding and care for others.
And this leads us to the (St. Valentine’s) topic of relationships.
Perhaps one of the most important aspects of being human is found in the quality of our relationships. From our significant others and families of origin to our close friendships and mild acquaintances, relationships form the living, evolving fabric of our lives. They reflect back to us who we are and how we think of ourselves. I regularly remind readers and patients alike how important it is to surround ourselves with relationships that bring us happiness, provide unconditional support, and leave room for who we are and who we are not.
A basic self-esteem philosophy is this: if you feel good about yourself, respect and care for yourself, then the people who are close to you will reflect that. Those who share these traits will be attracted by that. On the other hand, if your long-term self-worth is suffering, then you’ll tend to surround yourself with people who reflect that—treating you with a lack of care or consideration.
In other words, we teach others how to treat us based upon how we treat ourselves.
Take a moment to think about the relationships in your own life. Are you tending to them the best you can? Some are rolling along beautifully, providing just what you need—be that love, someone to confide in, a pal to have fun with, or family members to share good times with. Some have a few wrinkles that need ironing out and may require more attention from you.
I’m asked all the time about how to find a healthy relationship. This is how: Honor and nurture the relationship you have with yourself first. This is where it all begins. One of the most succinct ways to put this comes from drag queen RuPaul: “Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else?”
I was talking with some friends and fellow animal advocates recently, and they requested I share the following with you. It’s a pretty good guide for developing and nurturing the healthy relationships you desire. So, back by popular demand…
Ten Valuable Things Dogs Can Teach Us About Relationships
1. Forgive mistakes.
2. Make every day special.
3. Show love in big and small ways.
4. Be loyal.
5. Give each other some space.
6. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not.
7. Avoid biting when growling will do.
8. Trust your instincts.
9. When loved ones come home, always greet them.
10. Things don’t matter; time together does.
Until next time: “Lovers don’t meet somewhere along the way. They’re in one another’s souls from the beginning.” — Rumi
Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com