Do you have what it takes to end a relationship on a positive note?
Happy February. The month of Valentine’s Day, Heart Health Awareness, and Black History. (One of my African American friends, Owen, likes to say, “Oh sure, give us the shortest month!”)
It’s a good month to talk about relationships. This year I’ll let others write about flowers, chocolates and Cupid. I’d like to address some issues about relationships that don’t usually garner attention: The ending. And the transition. Is your ex a friend or foe? And, how to transition, if/when that time comes, from one kind of relationship to another?
As we all know, not all relationships end on a positive note with an ex who is a good friend, a continued confidant, someone who remains a welcomed member of the family. In fact, some people are not in touch with any of their exes and have never experienced a degree of civil communication after a breakup. They consider themselves fortunate if the ending was minimally acrimonious. Others stay friends with all their exes, and feel empowered and proud of that.
It takes a great deal of mutual respect and skill to end on a hopeful note, to develop and maintain any sort of follow-up connection. And certainly there are situations, such as in the case of a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, in which it is neither desirable nor healthy to maintain contact with the abusive partner.
I have couples ask me all the time if their divisive, or hostile, or dysfunctional marriage should be maintained “for the sake of the kids.” The short answer is: No! You are planting the seeds for your children to internalize your dysfunctions by keeping them immersed in a hostile, non-loving environment.
Kids don’t thrive with two unhappy parents under the same roof. They thrive with loving, happy parents (or parent, or parental figure), who can role-model what constitutes a healthy relationship. My (admittedly naïve) hope is for all struggling parents to seek relationship counseling to discover if they have a strong enough foundation to be repaired, or if it’s healthiest for all concerned to make changes.
Of course, this goes against certain religious beliefs. But I am writing from a psychological perspective, not a religious one. And if your religion has taught you otherwise, okay. However, I encourage you to keep my number handy because your kids are going to need it. Consider this: Unless you change your thinking, you will always recycle your experiences.
So…kids aside, I have worked with many couples for whom a friendship has turned out to be a happy, healthy fit. Perhaps their previous romantic relationship was a good fit at one time but no longer, or perhaps it never was a very good match. Either way, and whatever the reason for the break-up, the question becomes, are there still aspects of this relationship, this emotional investment, that can continue to enrich the lives of both individuals?
How to assess this? It is important to get in touch with the feelings you have about your former partner, feelings being the best navigational tools we have. Becoming aware of the following is a good start: 1) The anger you have left about the relationship; 2) Any guilt you’re feeling; 3) Your level of attraction for your ex, and what kind of attraction that might be; 4) The positive qualities your ex possesses, and would those qualities still be available in a friendship; 5) What kind of a bond would you like with this person; 6) Can you forgive them; 7) Can you forgive yourself.
These are merely starting points, and this is not to say that it’s an easy, purely logical process. Quite the opposite. Everyone’s situation is different, there are lots of lessons to learn, and feelings are often a confusing, murky landscape. Give yourself time, and permission, to feel what you feel. Perhaps speaking with a professional, together, would be quite helpful.
Until next time, I will leave you with this gem (author unknown): “Happiness is a choice, not a result. No person can make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Lasting happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you.”
Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com