Being alone is not the end of the world. In fact, it can be invigorating.
Editor’s note: Dr. Rick is under the weather this week, so we are sharing one of his favorite past columns.
So here we are, just a few weeks past Valentine’s Day. Spring is knocking on the door, and if you’re feeling anything like the community of scampering squirrels in my woods, then you can probably relate to winter’s “cabin fever” becoming spring’s “call to frolic.”
Along with these rambunctious squirrels, this is the season where we, too, come out of hibernation and start wagging our tails—so to speak—with desires as old as mankind.
Well...that may be true for some, but not all. There are folks who make it through the Hallmark season and the winter blues just fine, and are on their own, with no pressing desire to couple up. Why? Some people are happier when in relationships, some when single.
The important part (as regular Shrink Rappers know) is to honor whatever your needs may be. Not fall victim to peer pressure or what others expect of you, believe you “should” be doing. But instead, to know thyself, and realize that wherever you are on the relationship continuum is just fine, and, apparently, exactly where you need to be.
From a psychological perspective, there is great value to being in a relationship. Along with the numerous studies that tell us we’ll live longer with a healthy, loving partner in our lives, there are myriad personal growth areas that can only receive our full focus when in a relationship.
Issues such as giving and receiving love, improving communication, being honest and vulnerable with another person, learning how to set healthy boundaries, and honoring your needs as well as your partner’s needs, are examples of areas that do well within the context of a relationship, should you decide to give them your attention. It’s not that one isn’t able to work on these areas while single; it’s that a relationship provides the on-going “laboratory” and opportunity for regular practice.
That said, there is also tremendous value to flying solo. When we’re single, we can get to know, without the distraction of a sig other, where our inspirations lie. What our individual dreams and goals are and where we want to take them.
We are free to make decisions for ourselves alone, without interference or consideration of the other person’s journey. It provides the opportunity for time well spent on getting to know ourselves more fully, so that when and if we become ready for an involvement with a wonderful mate, we have that much more self-awareness and strength of identity to offer.
I want to share with you a lovely meditation I came across recently that poetically describes just such benefits. It’s titled, Be Alone, by Bianca Sparacino:“Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.”
When I first moved to this area almost a decade ago, I would go on what I called, “dates with the city.” You could find me on the pedestrian bridge at sunset, excitedly watching the city lights throw a romantic twinkle over the river and hills.
I explored restaurants, pubs and hole-in-the-wall haunts. I walked and walked—the Aquarium, the shops, the museums. I talked with locals everywhere I went. It was a way to feel grounded and connected with this Scenic Mistress who has a lot to offer. And it made all the difference in my decision to live here.
And remember this: You can experience enlightening “dates” of your own, even when you are in a relationship. It’s important to take time, take a breath, take stock, and discover, continually, who you are and what you want, providing you with that much more freshness and authenticity to offer your relationship.
Until next time: “If you cannot find a good companion to walk with, walk alone, like an elephant roaming the jungle. It is better to be alone than to be with those who will hinder your progress.” — Buddha
Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com