The good doctor on how to not let other people keep you doubting yourself
It all started with a bumper sticker I saw at a local concert. It read: “Speak your mind, even if your voice quivers.”
I thought, right on! I loved it because speaking one’s mind is a self-esteem issue. It’s far too often that the oppressed, downtrodden, and belittled do not speak their minds, nor do they have anyone speaking for them.
Why would they? They’ve been stepped on all their lives. If you hear often enough that you’re not worth listening to, that you’re a second-class citizen, that you have nothing to offer, well gee…that should teach you to keep your head down and your mouth shut.
So the black person who’s taught that he can’t go to college, finish college and make something of himself…won’t. He doesn’t feel worthy so, why bother?
And the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender persons who are taught that they don’t deserve to have long-term, committed relationships recognized in the eyes of the law or the church (even with the new nationwide laws that face homophobic attack all the time, especially with this current administration)…will believe that their relationships and rights have no validity.
So the woman who’s taught that there’s no breaking through the glass ceiling to actualize her talents—those talents being equal to or greater than her male colleagues’ who earn higher salaries…will settle.
So the young child who’s taught that none of the grown-ups have time for her, that no one’s going to get around to helping with her homework…internalizes a pervasive message about her lack of importance in this world.
Unless…
We start to wake up. And realize that:
• African-American voices are responsible for desegregation, blacks more fairly portrayed in the media, and why conscious individuals no longer use the “N” word. • Why do “those homosexuals” need parades? Well, to stand up and say, “Claim your rightful place in this world and show people that we’re all just people”…and that love is love.
• Who says women’s contributions are inferior to men’s? It’s not the women. And while we’re at it, just why do men believe they can dictate what a woman does with her own body? We’re still arguing this, seriously?
• And who’s ignoring the young child, thereby teaching her, loudly and clearly even without words, to live a life of unworthiness, to find adult relationships in which she is treated poorly, and to pass along the “less than” message to her children, and their children, and their children?
Speaking up for yourself is a seed. It begins a process. Others take notice and before long the seed empowers others, grows into a community movement, leading to understanding and inclusiveness, a righting of wrongs. Much of my practice over the years has been working with individuals who have their hands full just learning to undo the teachings and preachings from their childhood that taught them they are not okay, not enough, not loveable.
It takes a lot of diligent “Re-Parenting” to undo those esteem-damaging messages and speak up for yourself, speaking against deep tradition. Ask yourself these questions: Do you need to speak up—if not for yourself, for someone you care about? Do you need someone to speak up for you?
I notice this guy who shows up at Riverbend each year. You’ve seen him. He carries the big cross on wheels, with signs condemning obscure celebrities to eternal hell. What? I’ve seen his comrade across the street holding a sign with similarly hateful damnations…I think it was about unwed pregnant mothers, or puppies...who knows. But I suppose they believe that following their toxic example will help us sinners head heavenward.
This got me thinking about people who speak loudly, not to lift themselves up from oppression nor to help others, not really; but to proclaim their superiority; to devote themselves to the “you’re going to hell unless you believe like I do” school of thought. Are these the voices of hope, intelligence, and enlightenment, or the voices we must speak up against? Or perhaps, to simply ignore, thus removing their power.
You decide.
Until next time: “Be happy. Be grateful. Mostly, be kind.” — Mayme Baker
Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com