Learning to ask the right questions in the most successful way
As we navigate the myriad adjustments in life, we dig, often deeply, into our “Big Bag O’ Tools” to find and use the healthy coping mechanisms we’ve learned and developed along the way. In this conscious process, we are doing our best to avoid the unhealthy tools we’ve had a history of defaulting to.
Not always easy. This requires we tap into that part of each of us that contains self-awareness and the understanding that always, there is choice.
Change can be challenging and scary. OK, we all know that. But it can also be exciting, full of possibility and hope. If your relationship to change is something you’d like to improve, there’s no time like the present. It doesn’t have to be scary…that’s your choice. It may not always feel like it, but fear is largely a conditioned response (default) that can be unconditioned (choice) if we so choose.Okay, let’s get to the fun part.
I’m a big fan of a technique from the theory of “Access Consciousness” that allows your creative, mindful self to assist you with change through the form of questions. Here’s what I mean:A friend of mine, Lanie, told me about being at an airport and finding out that the seat she’d booked months in advance was no longer available, and she’d be bumped to a later flight. (Most of us can probably relate to this particular brand of travel nightmare.)
She realized she had some choices. She could act like a four-year-old and throw a tantrum. The airline employee would surely love that and be ever more willing to help (insert eye roll here). She could accept her fate and walk away, the start of her vacation dissolving as she dragged her luggage to a seat for who knows how long. Or she could engage. Engage with the employee, with the universe, and with that part of herself that she trusts is reasonable, kind and hopeful.She chose door number three.
Lanie began by saying something like, “I understand the plane is overbooked, which is not your fault, but I’m wondering: what else is possible?”
The airline employee—remember, this is the person with all the power, or so we believe, because she’s the one with the computer in front of her!—smiled and confirmed that there was very little she could do about the situation. So Lanie kindly said again, “I know your hands are tied, but I’d still like to ask you, what else is possible?”
The airline employee checked for other options and wasn’t coming up with much beyond offering my friend a seat on the next flight.
Showing even more calm, centered bravery, Lanie continued with, “Oh gosh, I just have a feeling we can work this out. For this flight, what else is possible?”
A few minutes later, Lanie was holding an upgraded business class seating pass, for her original flight, and she and the employee ended up laughing. All worked out.
The art of asking “What else is possible” means that you are responsible for the question, but not invested in the specifics of the answer. In other words, your job is only to ask. There’s every chance that the answer will be something better than you had imagined. However, when it arrives, you must be paying attention so as to catch it, whenever that may be.
You can play with this technique in your own life, and tailor your questions to your specific needs. For example, say you’re engaged in an exhausting search for a new job. You might pause, take a breath, and ask, “What will it be like to land the perfect job?” Send up the question, let it go, and be allowing and receptive for whatever shows up. Other examples:
Financial troubles: “What will it be like to be financially independent and free from this worry?”Relationship issues: “What will it be like to find a great partner who understands my needs?”Spiritual dilemmas: “How will it feel to rest in the faith that everything will be ok?”
Notice that the question includes “what will it be like…” And not, “what would or might it be like…” Do you sense the difference? The word “will” implies intention and complete trust that the best result will happen. Perhaps not according to your timeline, or in the exact way you’ve imagined…but, remember, in Access Consciousness that’s not your job. Your energy now goes toward being open-minded and open-hearted, anticipating the answer.
As these sorts of questions go into your Big Bag O’ Tools, you may find the results to be surprising and transformative. Ask the question, let go, and await the riches your “Senior Partner” will offer. Keep an eye out. It will be something great.
Until next time: “Questions and answers anticipate each other.” — Osho
Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com