Dr. Rick shares his insights on long term happiness
Here we are again: The gooey, mushiest time of year. St. Valentine’s Day.
But before we start down the literary path of love, the rose petal-strewn, chocolate-flavored, every-kiss-begins-with-Kay journey of Cupid’s arrow, I want to send out a virtual hug to the Lonely Hearts Club. Let’s face it: Being single at this time of year—that is, if you’re not happy about being single—is basically an onslaught of Hallmark-y saccharine sentiment, a stream of heart-wrenching songs (although who doesn’t love Adele?), and movies where every beautiful couple gets together at the end and smooches in front of a sunset as the music swells and lights fade to black.
Yuck.
And you can’t help but think of your ex and wonder if you should pick up the phone and…
Hold on a sec. Don’t do it. Take a breath. I respect and validate your feelings. However, consider this: surely you can gather around a bonfire of his/her old letters and pictures while at the same time celebrate who you are, single or otherwise.
Many single people I know use this opportunity for exactly that. (Well, I’m not sure about the bonfire part.) Maybe it’s time to gather some pals, hold your head high, and hit the town. A club, a movie, a new brew house, a dinner at that restaurant you’ve been wanting to try but felt it was too expensive… you get the idea. A guys’ night out. A girls’ night out. Perhaps a chance to renew old friendships. Celebrate your beautiful single life!
Or, if that’s not your style, how about a long, head-clearing, endorphin-freeing hike with the dogs, a bike ride through the hills, an overnight road-trip. If you’re someone who doesn’t tend to give yourself quality time, unplug for a day with a favorite author and a steaming mug of something deliciously soothing.
This is an opportunity to breathe, relax, meditate on your state of singledom, and ponder if you want it to continue, or want to make a change.
The point is, whereas you know Sappy Day is on its way, you can plan ahead and take care of yourself by creating the opportunity to make St. V’s a positive experience…and avoid the single gal/single guy blues.
People who are good at being single—and people who are coupled but know the benefits of regular alone time—do exactly this sort of thing. It’s good self-care or, as I refer to it in my books, “healthy selfishness.” Ponder, right now: what are some of your favorite “alone time” things to do? Now intentionally plan time to do them, in ink, and see what happens. You deserve this.
Now, if your style, really, is to cry alone in your beer…Okay, have a good cry. And make it count. Then, when you’re all cried out, consider the above. It could be the start of a very healthy shift to your life, a healthy habit.
Now if you are involved, whether with a new sweetie, a long-term sig other, or a husband/wife, husband/husband, or wife/wife of 30 years, I want to share with you some wisdom that can be very helpful in making every day feel like Valentine’s Day. It’s all about understanding each other.
According to Gary Chapman’s 1992 (and reprinted) best-seller, The Five Love Languages, people express and receive love in five different ways: through 1) words of affirmation, 2) quality time, 3) receiving gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch. Everyone has their ways of expressing love to their partner, and ways of feeling love from their partner.
To truly connect at a deep, loving level, one that has the potential to form a lasting, long-term relationship, and to also make every day feel like a celebration of that love, understanding your partner’s “language” becomes key.
So, with inspiration from Mr. Chapman, let’s explore what these languages mean, and how they might be expressed, nurturing the life of your relationship.
If your partner feels love through Words of Affirmation, then verbal compliments and words of appreciation, encouraging and kind, would be important. They may be quite simple, but must be heart-felt. Not forced. If you’re not much of a talker, this can be accomplished with practice. Think about saying things like, “You look great tonight!” Or, “Dinner was delicious, thank you.” These are the kinds of affirming compliments that would go a long way toward your partner feeling loved.
If he or she values Quality Time, then your undivided attention can be a powerful communicator of love. Regular readers of my Shrink Rap column know that while there’s great value in the ability to multi-task, there’s also a presence, a centeredness that comes with mindful uni-tasking. In terms of your relationship, I’m referring to being there. A focus on togetherness, i.e., doing things you enjoy together, would signal your love for your partner in a real and powerful way.
When we give a gift to another, whether expensive or free, it means that we’ve been thinking about that person. So if your guy or gal feels your Love through Gifts, it’s time to get creative. Think about their day. What little surprises might you give that makes their day easier…or simply puts a smile on their face? Of course you want to do it up at birthdays and holidays, but also on a Thursday…just because. On a deeper level, you can think of your “love gift” as an investment—an investment in the growth and maintenance of your relationship.
“Acts of Service” may sound like volunteering at the soup kitchen (which I recommend as an act-of-kindness any time.) But in terms of your relationship, I refer here to acts that require some forethought, some planning, time and effort on your part. These may be elaborate acts, but they need not be.
The important element here is to give freely, not in any way that is forced, or could lead to your resenting the effort. If it’s not done with love, what’s the point? So perhaps give some thought to things like making dinner, or planning a getaway. Maybe watch the kids so your partner can have a night out with his or her friends. Paint the study. Fill the car with gas. Bring a surprise lunch to the office and have a picnic. Give it some thought and have fun with this.
The fifth language of love is expressed through Physical Touch. What we know from countless studies of primates is that from birth, babies who are held regularly develop more fully, healthfully and happily than those who are not. So the need for tactile human contact is innate in all of us. In fact, one deeply felt, prolonged hug has the ability to lower blood pressure and quell anxiety.
One sexy romantic kiss can (and usually does) trigger arousal reactions, release pheromones, and cue the brain to get in the mood for…well, you know the rest. And fortunately for us humans, tactile receptors are located all throughout the body. Giving you very good reason to explore.
How do you discover what it means “love” to your partner? How can you nurture the deepening, the continually renewed connection, the powerful bond that the two of you share that is unlike anything you have with anyone else?
The most direct way: ask. Pour that glass of wine or cup of tea, snuggle up on the sofa, and have a sweet conversation about it. You might be surprised what you learn.
In the spirit of appreciating other cultures, and keeping Valentine’s Day in your heart all year round, I want to leave you with these romantic thoughts:
Zen master, Nobel prize winner and prolific author, Thich Nhat Hanh, teaches that “every one of us is trying to find our true home. Our true home is inside, but it’s also in our loved ones. When you’re in a loving relationship, you and the other person can be a true home for each other. In Vietnamese, the nickname for a person’s life partner is ‘my home’”.
And in the great romance language Francais, you don’t say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques” which means “you are missing from me.”
Wishing you a happy St. Valentine’s, whether this year you’re single or partnered. And if anyone’s feeling gift-giving, I prefer dark chocolate.
Until next time: “Understanding someone is the best gift you can give another person. Understanding is love’s other name.” —Thich Nhat Hanh