Our resident chef takes a very odd look back at the “history” of chili
On a crisp, fall evening in the year of our Lord 2001, my mind was engaged in steely resistance to the onslaught of self doubt and anxiety brought on by a task with which I had been entrusted.
Just one fortnight prior, the entirety of my house had come together to beseech, nay, to implore me to fashion a pot of the most precious of provisions—a savory ambrosia of meats, spices, and pure essence of somatic pleasure that goes by the succinct, yet suggestive name—chili.
As I sat, pouring over the volumes of chili recipes that had been handed down through the ages, a righteous anger began to rise in my belly. “Why!?” I cried out. “Why amongst these dusty tomes does there not lie a chili worthy of my passions? What catechism of cookery exists that can reveal the secrets of this saporous delight?
While I was thus in the act of calling out into the darkness, a light broke and filled the room as if the sun had been disturbed from its nightly repose. A personage appeared before me, their visage glorious beyond description with a countenance beyond any earthly soul.
As my eyes took in this wonder I saw it to be a woman, dressed in the habiliments of a nun. Her raiment glowed with a soft cerulean glory, purer than the sea, more sublime than the clearest sky.
When I first looked upon her I was struck with fear, but calm washed over me as a voice spoke straight to my heart and revealed her to be La Dama de Azul, Sister Mary of Agreda—The Lady in Blue. She was called by God during the 17th century to preach the Gospel of Christ to the inhabitants of the New World.
But this calling was to be a messenger in spirit rather than in body, so while her body lay entranced and motionless within the walls of her Spanish convent, her spirit would depart from its fleshly vessel and venture forth to the faraway New World where she would preach Christianity to the inhabitants and counsel them to seek out Spanish missionaries.
The Jumano people were so thankful for the soul-saving message of the Gospel that Sister Mary’s apparition was given a precious gift—a recipe for the Jumano tribe’s most celebrated food, a spicy stew of venison, onions, tomatoes, and chili peppers.
It was then that her voice became like a chorus of angels and proclaimed that she would give to me a celestial account of all chili knowledge. Her voice rang out saying that all nations, kindreds and tongues should know the fullness of this sacred, spicy manna; and that I had been tasked to be the earthly messenger for this precious chili knowledge.And thus she spoke unto me these words concerning the preparation of God’s own chili.
In the beginning…
In the beginning there were meats and chilies, and God saw that it was good. But God saw that it was not good for the meat and chilies to be alone, and so he brought to the Aztecs lobster, fish, frogs and a multitude of green, red, yellow, smoked and dried chilies to be added to the dish. And it was good.
As it is written, in the days of Spain’s King Philip the V, a group of families came to the New World from the Canary Islands and began to make a spicy Spanish stew that bred fear in the hearts of the local priests. They named it “The Devil’s Soup” due to the lustful passions they believed chili peppers aroused in the hearts of men. But their warnings were not heeded and by 1900 chili shops began to appear all over Texas.
Chile con carne beget the first Texas chili, and Texas chili beget Tex-Mex chili, which beget Cincinnati chili and California chili, yea verily, all the chilies of the world. And it too was good.
Battle of the Beans
After a short time, I stared blankly, musing at the marvels that had been revealed to me by this incorporeal messenger; when in the midst of my meditation, Dama de Azul began to speak of the great troubles brought upon the people by the bean.
“Yeah verily,” she began, “The elders of the International Chili Society have proclaimed that chili shall only be known as “any kind of meat or combination of meats, cooked with red chili peppers, various spices and other ingredients, with the exception of beans and pasta which are strictly forbidden.” So let it be written, so let it be done.” And there was great weeping and gnashing of teeth across the land.
Upon hearing this, I began to rend my clothes and fell face down upon the ground. “Alas, oh sovereign messenger of the Lord, the people are divided across this great land. Devotees of the bean will rise up against those of the true chili covenant. Dost thou not remember the great bean battles in the lands outside of Texas?”
There are some who speak as if possessed by a dark spirit saying that chili without beans is not chili, but merely meat sauce that has turned its back against the truth. But yet our fathers and our father’s fathers have passed down the knowledge that if one addeth beans, one maketh stew, and thine chili is no more. Did not the prophet Wick Fowler tell us “If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans.”?
Sister Mary was so moved by my words that she had mercy on the people saying, “Just as pizza with pineapple is still pizza, so chili with beans remains chili. ‘Tis up to each eater to decide for themselves.” As for myself, I follow in the footsteps of the ancient chili prophets and cast my lot with those who eschew the bean. Where there is a bean in chili, the meat must compete and that is an abomination in my eyes.
The Book of Meats
In the days of yore, when the chili fathers ruled supreme, chili was made from sun-dried beef that had been pounded together with suet and dried chilies then stewed upon the fire. Sister Mary spoke of our troubled modern times, where brother fights against brother over what pleaseth the Lord more—ground beef or cubed chunks.
The Lord spoke through Sister Mary and saith these truths; “Thou shalt procure the finest of meats, rich in connective tissue, fat and flavor. Eschew those muscles that do no work, like tenderloin or loin cuts. Instead, favor the harder working muscles like shoulder (chuck), short ribs, oxtail, or tri-tip, for those are blessed with flavor from on high.”
As was taught to me by the forefathers, these meats are to be cooked low and slow so that their connective tissues, abundant with collagen, will break down into a rich gelatin and give the beef a luxurious texture worthy of praise.
In the days of my youth when time was short, ground beef was used across the land. But this is an abomination to the Lord. As it is written, chili is to be fashioned from the best meats, cut into 1/2”–1” cubes. These cubes shalt be seared on one side to establish the flavors of browning (all hail Maillard) while retaining a luscious soft texture on the remaining sides.
Chilies 6:13
And after the third hour, a voice like that of a trumpet sounded long and waxed loudly, “I am La Dama de Azul, the keeper of the one true chili and thou shall respect my authoritah. Art thou making chili con carne or carne con chili? All ingredients shall serve the chili pepper as master – all other ingredients from the earth below and the skies above shall bow down to the chili pepper when fashioning a vessel of chili.”
When this, the High Priestess of Chili spake these words my heart leapt with joy and my soul cried out saying, “Who among us still makes use of the vile chili powders? Do we not know it is of a gritty nature with unpredictable flavors that can become stale with age? Let the all the peoples of the earth rejoice in whole, dried chilies and the canned manna called Chipotles in Adobo Sauce.
Sweet, hot, smokey and fruity chilies are all called upon to mingle with one another in harmony. Chipotles mixing with Arbols, Cascabels intermingling with Anchos, these are all good in the sight of the Lord. Thy faithful servant, the dried chili should be pliable and leather-like. If it cracks and is brittle, it is an abomination and should be cast into the trash heap of Gehenna. To prevent a gritty texture, soak thine dry chilies in beef stock before blending into a puree.
The Ascension of La Dama de Azul
Having delivered the good chili news and all the fullness therein, Sister Mary of Agreda began to ascend to the heavens saying, “Dear servant of the one true chili. Like a marriage, the coupling of beef, chili peppers and aromatics becomes better and more intimate with time. Be patient, dear servant, and allow thine chili to rest overnight, for this makes the Lord and all who eat of it smile and be glad.”
And in the fullness of time, when the chili has rested, reheated and is ready to feed those who are blessed to partake of its goodness, we sprinkle upon it scallions, cheese and drinketh a fine beer or whiskey. These are all good in the eyes of the Lord.
As she ascended into heaven, Sister Mary’s final words spoke of a recipe written upon bronze plates and kept in a cedar box beneath the old Chili King on Market Street. I transcribed this sacred chili recipe just before the angel Xapham took the plates back to heaven saying, “I must return these forthwith. Our Lord needs them for his records.”
I fell prostrate on the floor and requested that the recipe be posted online. Thanks to the mercy of our Lord the recipe can be found right here:
Sister Mary's Chili Recipe
- 2 Arbol or Cascabel chilies, stems and seeds removed
- 2 Ancho or Pasilla chilies, stems and seeds removed
- 1 can Chipotle chilies in adobo sauce, stems and seeds removed
- 2 qts beef broth
- 4 lbs beef chuck or tri-tip, trimmed and cut into ½” – 1” cubes
- 2 tbsp vegetable oil
- 2 medium onions, finely diced
- 8 medium cloves garlic, finely diced
- 3 tbsp ground cumin
- 3 tsp dried oregano
- 1 tbsp fish sauce
- Kosher salt and black pepper to taste
Add the dried chilies to a large, heavy-bottomed stock pot and cook over medium-high heat for 3 to 5 minutes, stirring frequently, until they begin to darken and release a roasted aroma. Don’t let them smoke.
Turn heat down to medium, add half the beef broth, chipotle chilies and simmer for about 5-10 minutes. Remove from heat for 5 minutes then blend the mixture until smooth, about 1 minute.
Season the cubed meat generously with salt and pepper. Heat the vegetable oil in a large, heavy-bottomed stock pot over high heat until it just starts to smoke. Add half of the cubed meat in a single layer and cook on one side until dark brown (about 5-7 minutes). Remove from pot and set aside.
Return the pot to medium heat, add the onions and cook about 3 minutes or until soft and translucent. Add the garlic, cumin, oregano, and cook until fragrant, stirring constantly for about 1 minute. Return the meat, chili puree and remaining beef broth back to the pot and stir to combine.
Bring to a light boil over high heat, then reduce to a simmer, cover with a lid slightly ajar and cook for about 3 hours or until the meat is tender. Stir occasionally and do not allow to boil.
Finally, stir in the fish sauce and season to taste with salt and pepper. For best results, allow the chili to cool and refrigerate overnight. Reheat the next day to serve. Serve garnished with chopped scallions, grated cheese, avocado, and warm tortillas or cornbread as desired.