Can our resident master chef concoct some real morning relief?
It’s a bright and sunny Sunday morning. The birds are chirping and the grass is gently swaying in the warm, summer breeze. But you aren’t aware of anything beyond the comforting darkness and calming silence of your bedroom.
While the rest of the world goes about its daily routine, you lie motionless—your head spinning with a combination of existential dread and vomit-inducing motion sickness brought on by nothing more than your own tortured thoughts and the remnants of the previous evening’s festivities.
You remember pounding your liver into submission with 14 single-can doses of Milwaukee’s Best and a pitcher of Wild Cherry Brandy before time traveling from the parking lot of a Krystal to the present. Now it’s just you and your hangover (that you’ve decided to name Nergal the Unsparing) lying in bed, wondering if there is some secret tome of hangover cures bursting with the collective wisdom of ancient imbibing cultures.
One such tome does exist and the knowledge therein was passed down to me by the ghost of Paul Lynde while I hovered near death—withering under the pains of a hangover brought on by a brutal combination of Chinese 3 Penis liquor and Thai heavy metal. I want to share some of the gospel found within this vade mecum of aqua vitae in the hope others will benefit from these restorative remedies.
Much of the world is under the impression that the best thing for a stomach that’s ready to turn every nearby surface into a work of bile-scented abstract art is a heaping helping of organ meats. Bulgaria, for example, swears by their consonant heavy soup shkembe chorba—a soup made from the lining of a calves stomach, milk, garlic, vinegar, hot chili peppers, and spices. Pro tip: Eat it while it’s hot. The stomach lining makes the soup gelatinous so the surface solidifies quickly.
Just across the border in Turkey, they adhere to the no-organ-left-behind philosophy with kokoretsi. Simply wrap lamb or goat intestines around pieces of sweetbreads, hearts, lungs, or kidneys that have been seasoned with lemon, olive oil, and oregano. Grill it, chop it, slap it on a piece of bread with some tomato and your hangover will retreat out of respect and fear.
South Koreans take a less offal-y approach to fighting off liquid flu with a fortifying broth called haejangguk. This ancient recipe combines beef broth with cabbage, bean sprouts, radish, a raw egg, ox blood and, if you’re lucky, a nice piece of cow spine. In South America, offal soups are also eaten for hangovers, but many guayabo plagued partiers from Bolivia to Columbia are turning to beef rib based soups made with potatoes, onion, garlic, cumin, ginger, and cilantro as their preferred levanta muertos or “raiser of the dead.”
Of course there’s the classic English breakfast or “fry up” that will anesthetize you with a mound of bacon, blood sausage, fried mushrooms, potatoes, grilled tomato, baked beans, and a couple pieces of toast to sop up the last of that greasy, eggy mess.
Too many SangSom and sodas in Thailand? Wake up and smell the tom yum goong nam sai. Heal your morning after hamster mouth with the sour, salty, spicy, and sweet broth loaded with lemongrass, chilies, and galangal. Sip it slowly and let the memories of that new tattoo come into focus. Why do I have a fire-breathing dragon screaming the name “Ophelia?” Who is Ophelia?
Personally, when I’m experiencing that not so fresh hungover feeling, I prefer the comforting spices of Vietnamese pho or a big skilletful of shakshouka—an aggressively spicy and tomatoey hangover cure that originated in Tunesia but is very popular in Israel. Shakshouka combines two key hangover curing ingredients - eggs and smoking-hot Berbere spiced tomato sauce—with onions, peppers, herbs and feta cheese ftw.
If all of this sounds either A) like too much trouble or B) like a conspiracy to make you eat intestines, then let sandwich science come to the rescue. British researchers have found that the simple, wondrous bacon sandwich is a true hangover cure thanks to the properties of its two main ingredients—bacon and bread. The carbohydrates in the bread and the protein in the bacon provide the amino acids you need to feel better, think clearer and stop carpet bombing Porcelainistan.
Of course, your mom would tell you that the easiest way to avoid a hangover is to not drink so much, then the acetaldehyde monsters won’t come and maul your brain. Thanks mom, but I’ve got organ meats and sandwich science on my side.
Mike McJunkin is a native Chattanoogan who has traveled abroad extensively, trained chefs, and owned and operated restaurants. Join him on Facebook at facebook.com/SushiAndBiscuits