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September 5, 2013

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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In her novel White Oleander, Janet Fitch suggests that beauty is something to be used, “like a hammer or a key.” That’s your assignment, Pisces. Find practical ways to make your beauty work for you. For example, invoke it to help you win friends and influence people. Put it into action to drum up new opportunities and hunt down provocative invitations. And don’t tell me you possess insufficient beauty to accomplish these things. I guarantee you that you have more than enough. To understand why I’m so sure, you may have to shed some ugly definitions of beauty you’ve unconsciously absorbed from our warped culture.

ARIES (March 21-April 19):  “No regrets? Really?” asks author Richard Power. “I have regrets. They are sacred to me. They inform my character. They bear witness to my evolution. Glimpses of lost love and treasure are held inside of them; like small beautiful creatures suspended in amber.” I think you can see where this horoscope is going, Aries. I’m going to suggest you do what Powers advises: “Do not avoid your regrets. Embrace them. Listen to their stories. Hold them to your heart when you want to remember the price you paid to become who you truly are.” (Find more by Richard Power here: tinyurl.com/RichardPower.)

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):Urbandictionary.com says that the newly coined word “orgasnom” is what you call the ecstatic feelings you have as you eat especially delectable food. It’s derived, of course, from the word “orgasm.” According to my reading of the astrological omens, you are in an excellent position to have a number of orgasmic-like breakthroughs in the coming week. Orgasnoms are certainly among them, but also orgasaurals, orgasights, and orgasversations—in other words, deep thrills resulting from blissful sounds, rapturous visions, and exciting conversations. I won’t be surprised if you also experience several other kinds of beautiful delirium.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):  If you were about to run in a long-distance race, you wouldn’t eat a dozen doughnuts. Right? If you were planning to leave your native land and spend a year living in Ethiopia, you wouldn’t immerse yourself in learning how to speak Chinese in the month before you departed. Right? In that spirit, I hope you’ll be smart about the preparations you make in the coming weeks. This will be a time to prime yourself for the adventures in self-expression that will bloom in late September and the month of October. What is it you want to create at that time? What would you like to show the world about yourself?

CANCER (June 21-July 22):  he Constitution of the United States is the supreme law of the land. It’s the foundation of the most politically powerful nation on the planet. And yet when it originally went into effect in 1789, it was only 4,543 words long—about three times the length of this horoscope column. The Bill of Rights, enacted in 1791, added a mere 462 words. By contrast, India’s Constitution is 117,000 words, more than 20 times longer. If you create a new master plan for yourself in the coming months, Cancerian—as I hope you will—a compact version like America’s will be exactly right. You need diamond-like lucidity, not sprawling guesswork.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): There are two scientific terms for tickling. “Knismesis” refers to a soft, feathery touch that may be mildly pleasurable. It can be used to display adoring tenderness. The heavier, deeper kind of tickling is called “gargalesis.” If playfully applied to sensitive parts of the anatomy, it can provoke fun and laughter. Given the current planetary alignments, Leo, I conclude that both of these will be rich metaphors for you in the coming days. I suggest that you be extra alert for opportunities to symbolically tickle and be tickled. (P.S. Here’s a useful allegory: If you do the knismesis thing beneath the snout of a great white shark, you can hypnotize it.)

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September 5, 2013

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