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March 27, 2013

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): I was too lazy to write your horoscope this week, so I went to a website that hawks bumper stickers and copied a few of their slogans to use as your “advice.” Here you go. 1. Never follow a rule off a cliff. 2. Have the courage to honor your peculiarities. 3. It’s never too late to have a rebellious adolescence. 4. Criticize by creating. 5. Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be elaborate and wonderful. 6. Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand, morally clear, wrong answers. APRIL FOOL! I lied. I wasn’t lazy at all. I worked hard to ensure that all the suggestions I just provided are in strict accordance with the astrological gestalt.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s a perfect time to watch the cult classic film “Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead.” It will provide you with just the right inspiration as you deal with your own problems. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Don’t you dare watch any horror movies. You’re in a phase when you can make dramatic progress in transforming long-standing dilemmas -- but only if you surround yourself with positive, uplifting influences.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The coming week will be an excellent time to wash dishes, clean bathrooms, scrub floors, vacuum carpets, wash windows, do laundry, and clean the refrigerator. The more drudge work you do, the better you’ll feel. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you now have astrological license to minimize your participation in boring tasks like the ones I named. It’s high time for you to seek out the most interesting work and play possible.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You know what would be a really cool prank to pull off this April Fool’s Day? Arrange to have rubber tires airlifted into a dormant volcano, then set them on fire. Smoke will pour out the top. Everyone who lives nearby will think the volcano is getting ready to explode. Don’t forget to videotape the event for Youtube. Later, when you reveal the hoax, your video will go viral and you’ll become a celebrity. APRIL FOOL! I don’t really think you should try this prank. It’s old hat. Back in 1974, a guy named Porky Bickar did it to Alaska’s Mt. Edgecumbe. Here’s my real oracle for you: It is a good time to boost your visibility by doing something funny. Or to build your brand by being mischievous. Or to demonstrate your power by showing off your sense of humor.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In the animated TV show The Simpsons, ten-year-old Bart is constantly getting into trouble because of the monkey business he loves to perpetrate. His teachers punish him by compelling him to write corrective declarations on the classroom blackboard. It so happens that some of those apologetic statements should be coming out of your mouth in the coming week, Leo. They include the following: “I will not strut around like I own the place. I will not claim that I am deliciously saucy. I will not instigate revolution. I will not trade pants with others. I will not carve gods. I will not Xerox my butt. I will not scream for ice cream.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you SHOULD consider doing things like that. And don’t apologize!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The sport of ferret legging is an endurance contest. Participants vie to determine who can last longest as a live ferret runs loose inside their pants. The current record is five hours and 26 minutes, held by a retired British miner. But I predict that a Virgo will soon break that mark. Could it be you? APRIL FOOL! I misled you. I don’t really think you should put a ferret in your pants, not even to win a contest. It is possible, however, that there will soon be a pleasurable commotion happening in the area below your waist. And I suspect that you will handle it pretty well.

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March 27, 2013

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