VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Arthur Turner, a Virgo reader from Austin, is upset with my recent horoscopes. In his email, he wrote the following: “You’re making me mad with your predictions of non-stop positivity. I need more dirt and grit and muck. I’ve got to have some misery and decay to motivate me. So just please shut up with your excess projections of good times. They’re bringing me down.” Here’s my response to him and to any other Virgo who feels like him: I’m afraid you’re scheduled to endure even more encounters with cosmic benevolence in the coming week. If these blessings feel oppressive, try to change your attitude about them.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The humorous science journal Annals of Improbable Research published a paper entitled “The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth.” Signed by 198 physicists, it came to this conclusion: “So far as we can determine, peanut butter has no effect on the rotation of the earth.” If possible, Libra, I suggest you summon a comparable amount of high-powered expertise for your own purposes. Round up the best help you can, yes; call on all the favors you’re owed and be aggressive in seeking out brilliant support; but only for a truly important cause.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Sept. 16 is the first day of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. So begins 10 days of repentance. Whether or not you’re Jewish, Scorpio, you are entering an astrological phase when taking stock of yourself would be a brilliant move. That’s why I invite you to try the following self-inventory, borrowed from the Jewish organization Chadeish Yameinu. 1. What would you like to leave behind from the past 12 months? 2. What has prevented you from living up to your highest standards and being your very best self? 3. What would you love to bring with you into the next 12 months?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If I’m accurately interpreting the astrological omens, the coming months will be a soulful feast in which every day will bring you a shimmering revelation about the nature of your soul’s code and how best to activate it. Reasons for grateful amazement will flow so freely that you may come to feel that miracles are routine and naturally-occurring phenomena. And get this: In your dreams, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty will get married, win the lottery, and devote their fortune to fostering your spiritual education until you are irrevocably enlightened.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A reader named Marissa begged me to insert a secret message into the Capricorn horoscope. She wanted me to influence Jergen, a guy she has a crush on, to open up his eyes and see how great she is. I told her I wouldn’t do it. I never try to manipulate people into doing things that aren’t in alignment with their own desires. And I faithfully report on my understanding of the tides of fate, and refuse to just make stuff up. I urge you to have that kind of integrity, Capricorn. I suspect you may soon be invited or coaxed to engage in what amounts to some tainted behavior. Don’t do it. Make an extra effort to be incorruptible.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “The far away, the very far, the farthest, I have found only in my own blood,” said poet Antonio Porchia. Let’s make that thought your keynote, Aquarius. Your assignment will be to search for what’s most exotic and unknown, but only in the privacy of your own heart, not out in the great wide world. For now at least, the inner realm is the location of the laboratory where the most useful experiments will unfold. Borrowing from novelist Carole Maso, I leave you with this: “Make love to the remoteness in yourself.”