It is now an age-old truism that when one turns to Craigslist community forums to post one’s screed, one is surely well down the path to a mental meltdown. That said, we cheer on these anonymous critics for the sheer entertainment value of their posts—particularly when said posts deal with the local music scene, as did a Sept. 9 outburst that begins: “Just wanted to speak on behalf of the music fans and soun [sic] guys in Chattanooga. Thanks for screwing the fucking pooch for the past ten years. A number of bands that will remain unnamed will now have their attitudes and actions called out by the venues they play and genre’s they represent. So many of you have fucked it up for the rest of us, now it’s your turn to take whats coming to you.”
Following that savory opening salvo, our Angry Local Sound Guy takes aim at bands in Chattanooga, Cleveland and Dalton, with an epic condemnation so full of foul-mouthed vitriol, it’s a shame we could not print the entire post here. Some highlights from the anonymous critics’s awesome post (since flagged for deletion from Craigslist, as were the responses to it):
• Metal bands: “Here’s a round of applause for acting like you’re in Pantera and sounding like Seven Under Suicide. It’s time to quit ... What the fuck do you have to be angry about? Going to school? Working at McDonalds? Seriously, it’s time to stop ... Everyone and their little brother plays fucking metal. Oh you can sweep? Here’s my tits. Oh you can chug? Take my honey pot. Oh you can two handed tap? Put it in my turd clipper! Shit the bed guys.”
• Punk Bands: “Oh boy oh boy! Or should I say Oi boys Oi boys! Let’s go ahead and address two very important items. It’s hard to buy your schtick of sticking it to the man when 95% of you smoke and drink beer ... How can any of you say down with the man when you’re trying to impress the underage chick who snuck in to Sluggo’s?”
• Southern Rock bands: “You’re new genre is titled Dad Rock. Why? You’re all fucking old. Go play Riverbend, anywhere off hwy 58, or at some shit bar in Soddy Daisy ... So you’re over 30, have a goatee and a few 100 extra pounds, but damn do you know how to rock.”
• Cover Bands: “Bud Lightning...enough said. But not nearly enough. YOU HAVE A SOUTHERN ACCENT, QUIT TRYING TO SOUND LIKE ROBERT PLANT. This is Chattanooga, we are original material only. Get the fucking hint. Most of you are in the same category as Dad Rock. What do I read in the paper that makes me want to get out and spend my money. It sure isn’t the word COVER BAND ... Put down the cocaine and realize it’s over, and has been since they invented the internet. Fuck you Jay.”
Well played, Angry Local Sound Guy, well played. And a “Good fucking Day” to you, sir! Now put down the Steel Reserve and get some rest. Your next gig awaits.