VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Want to submit a letter to the editor of a major newspaper? The odds of you getting published in the influential Washington Post are almost three times as great as in the super-influential New York Times. The Post has a much smaller circulation, so your thoughts there won’t have as wide an impact. But you will still be read by many people. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you’re in a phase when you should be quite content to shoot for a spot in the Post. Please apply that same principle to everything you do.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to the Asian spiritual traditions of Tantra and Taoism, it’s unhealthy for a man to have too many ejaculatory orgasms. But medical researchers in the West have come to the exact opposite conclusion: The more climaxes men have, the better. So who to believe? Here’s what I think: Every man should find out for himself by conducting his own experiments. As a general rule, I recommend the empirical approach for many other questions as well—and especially right now for Libran people of all genders. Rather than trusting anyone’s theories about anything, find out for yourself.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The 19th-century Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen was an iconoclast who relished exposing the hypocrisy and shallowness of conventional morality. While working on one of his plays, he kept a pet scorpion in an empty beer glass on his desk. “Now and again,” he testified, “when the creature was wilting, I would drop into the glass a piece of fruit, which it would seize upon in a frenzy and inject with its poison. It would then revive. Are not we poets like that?” Keep these details in mind during the coming weeks, Scorpio. You will probably have some venom that needs to be expelled. I hope you’ll do it like Ibsen writing his brilliantly scathing plays or the scorpion stinging some fruit.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “There is nothing more difficult for a truly creative painter than to paint a rose,” said French artist Henri Matisse, “because before he can do so he has first to forget all the roses that were ever painted.” I’d love to expand this principle so that it applies to everything you do in the coming week. Whatever adventures you seek, Sagittarius, prepare for them by forgetting all the adventures you have ever had. That way you will unleash the fullness of the fun and excitement you deserve.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Where do you belong? Not where you used to belong and not where you will belong in the future, but where do you belong right now? The answer to that question might have been murky lately, but the time is ripe to get clear. First, decide what experiences you will need in order to feel loved and nurtured between now and your birthday. Second, determine the two goals that are most important for you to accomplish between now and your birthday. And third, summon a specific vision of how you can best express your generosity between now and your birthday.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Are you excited about your new detachable set of invisible wings? They’re ready. To get the full benefit of the freedom they make available, study these tips: 1. Don’t attach them to your feet or butt; they belong on your shoulders. 2. To preserve their sheen and functionality, avoid rolling in the muddy gutter while you’re wearing them. 3. Don’t use them just to show off. 4. It’s OK to fly around for sheer joy, though. 5. Never take them off in mid-flight.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You know that leap of faith you’re considering? Now would be a good time to rehearse it, but not do it. How about that big experiment you’ve been mulling over? Imagine in detail what it would be like to go ahead, but don’t actually go ahead. Think deeply about how it would change your life. But don’t make a dramatic dive into foreverness. Not yet, at least. This is your time to practice, play, and pretend.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): For every trillion dollars the U.S. government spends on the military, it creates about 11,000 jobs. That same expenditure, if directed toward education, creates 27,000 jobs. Personally, I’d rather have the taxes I pay go to teachers than soldiers—especially in light of the fact that the U.S. spends almost as much money on its military as all the other nations in the world combined spend on theirs. I suggest that in the coming months you make a metaphorically similar move, Aries. Devote more of your time and energy and resources to learning, and less to fighting. As you get more training and wisdom, you’ll become more skilled at avoiding unnecessary conflicts.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Now is an excellent time to cull, prune, and winnow. I urge you to look for opportunities to pare down and refine. On the other hand, don’t go too far. Be careful that you don’t truncate, desecrate, or annihilate. It’s not an easy assignment, Taurus. You will have to be skeptical about any temptation you might have to go overboard with your skepticism. You will have to be cautious not to allow your judicious discernment to devolve into destructive distrust.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Why did people start drinking coffee? Who figured out that roasting and boiling the bitter beans of a certain shrub produced a stimulating beverage? Historians don’t know for sure. One old tale proposes that a ninth-century Ethiopian shepherd discovered the secret. After his goats nibbled on the beans of the coffee bush, they danced and cavorted with unnatural vigor. I urge you to be as alert and watchful as that shepherd, Gemini. A new source of vibrant energy may soon be revealed to you, perhaps in an unexpected way.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): “Hello Dear One: My name is Lorita. I am a beautiful heartfelt woman from Libya. I was browsing online through the long night when I came across your shiny dark power, and I am quite sure you and I can circle together like sun and moon. I await your reply so I can give you my secret sweetness. —Your Surprise Soulmate.” Dear Soulmate: Thank you for your warm inquiry. However, I must turn you down. Because I was born under the sign of Cancer the Crab, I have to be very careful to maintain proper boundaries. We Crabs need to be extra discriminating about what influences we allow into our spheres.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Will the monkey on your back jump off, at least for a while? Will the sign of the zodiac that you understand least become an X-factor in the unfolding plot? Will a cute distraction launch you on what seems to be a wild goose chase—until it leads you to a clue you didn’t even know you were looking for? Will a tryst in an unsacred space result in an odd boost to your long-term fortunes? The answers to riddles like these will be headed your way in the coming weeks. You’re at the beginning of a phase that will specialize in alluring twists and brain-teasing turns.