Love Yourself Without Losing Yourself

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Become a complete individual to become a better couple

It’s chocolate, flowers, tickets to the theater and romantic-getaway month, the month that has us paying at least some attention to that mischievous muse, Cupid. With St. Valentine’s Day being right around the corner, it’s perhaps a perfect time to discuss how to keep your relationship not only healthy but thriving. A relationship in which you desire longevity, and even more importantly, longevity with happiness.

Maybe you’re married with kids, doing the family thing. Or maybe you’re on the doorstep of a new love, enjoying the butterflies and the half-full-glass outlook on life. Maybe the kids have gone on with diverse adventures and the nest is empty. Or perhaps something in between all that.

If you can relate to any of the above, then I encourage you and your partner to pause and reflect on the quality of your relationship (your “happiness quotient”), and where there is room for healthy/passionate/affirming improvement. Try to observe, as if with a third eye, the direction your union is taking, the satisfaction of being together, and the safety—or “guardianship”—of your important moments, both big and small.

Let’s acknowledge, however, that many people are not in a committed relationship, either by circumstance or choice. Nor does everyone wish to be in such a relationship. I often tell my patients there are certain issues which you can best address and process when you’re single, without the distractions of a relationship.

And certain other issues that require the context of a significant union in order to work on them, to practice and hone your skills. For this reason, whether flying solo or with a significant other, time and energy spent thinking, journaling, and talking about the health of this time in your life is never energy wasted.

If we take the view that one of the most precious forms of love is all about union—finding your soulmate and nurturing that commitment—then a valuable question enters the picture, one most of us confront from time to time: How do we maintain our individuality and autonomy within that merging?

I invite you to spend time with the following perspectives. Ponder, meditate, write and talk about these then observe what happens to the quality of your life.

1. Be willing to show up fully with all of yourself. If you start holding back, then your relationship might be “safe,” but holding back can also kill passion, creativity and spontaneity. If you want these qualities in your relationship, cultivate the courage to feel everything, even the difficult stuff, while being kind and non-shaming with each other.

2. Identify and honor your own needs. If you can identify your wants and your needs—as well as create room for your partner to do the same—then together you can grow in a safe and empathic space. Loving communication is the goal.

3. Think of your relationship not like a stagnant object, but like an evolving practice—such as yoga or going to the gym—and realize that some days are much harder than others. You go through cycles, you slowly improve…it’s a process. Even with stumblings and setbacks, it’s important to feel that you’re growing together.

4. Realize that you don’t have all the answers. You have your experience of the world, and your partner has theirs. You have your own perspectives and opinions. If you’re more interested in learning each other’s viewpoints than in winning, you will create greater and greater intimacy.

5. I invite you to ask yourselves the following: Do we believe that putting our relationship first is the best way to care for everyone else? Do we believe in shared authority, so that we may create a safe and creative space in decision-making throughout life’s challenges? Do we believe in protecting each other, not only with strength but also with compassion?

This St. Valentine’s I wish you all the happiness, passion, creativity and understanding (and all the chocolate and romantic getaways) you want for your own relationships.

Until next time, from “How to Love” by Thich Nhat Hanh: “Every one of us is trying to find our true home. Our true home is inside, but it’s also in our loved ones.”