VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Want to submit a letter to the editor of a major newspaper? The odds of you getting published in the influential Washington Post are almost three times as great as in the super-influential New York Times. The Post has a much smaller circulation, so your thoughts there won’t have as wide an impact. But you will still be read by many people. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you’re in a phase when you should be quite content to shoot for a spot in the Post. Please apply that same principle to everything you do.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to the Asian spiritual traditions of Tantra and Taoism, it’s unhealthy for a man to have too many ejaculatory orgasms. But medical researchers in the West have come to the exact opposite conclusion: The more climaxes men have, the better. So who to believe? Here’s what I think: Every man should find out for himself by conducting his own experiments. As a general rule, I recommend the empirical approach for many other questions as well—and especially right now for Libran people of all genders. Rather than trusting anyone’s theories about anything, find out for yourself.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The 19th-century Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen was an iconoclast who relished exposing the hypocrisy and shallowness of conventional morality. While working on one of his plays, he kept a pet scorpion in an empty beer glass on his desk. “Now and again,” he testified, “when the creature was wilting, I would drop into the glass a piece of fruit, which it would seize upon in a frenzy and inject with its poison. It would then revive. Are not we poets like that?” Keep these details in mind during the coming weeks, Scorpio. You will probably have some venom that needs to be expelled. I hope you’ll do it like Ibsen writing his brilliantly scathing plays or the scorpion stinging some fruit.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “There is nothing more difficult for a truly creative painter than to paint a rose,” said French artist Henri Matisse, “because before he can do so he has first to forget all the roses that were ever painted.” I’d love to expand this principle so that it applies to everything you do in the coming week. Whatever adventures you seek, Sagittarius, prepare for them by forgetting all the adventures you have ever had. That way you will unleash the fullness of the fun and excitement you deserve.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Where do you belong? Not where you used to belong and not where you will belong in the future, but where do you belong right now? The answer to that question might have been murky lately, but the time is ripe to get clear. First, decide what experiences you will need in order to feel loved and nurtured between now and your birthday. Second, determine the two goals that are most important for you to accomplish between now and your birthday. And third, summon a specific vision of how you can best express your generosity between now and your birthday.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Are you excited about your new detachable set of invisible wings? They’re ready. To get the full benefit of the freedom they make available, study these tips: 1. Don’t attach them to your feet or butt; they belong on your shoulders. 2. To preserve their sheen and functionality, avoid rolling in the muddy gutter while you’re wearing them. 3. Don’t use them just to show off. 4. It’s OK to fly around for sheer joy, though. 5. Never take them off in mid-flight.