The good doctor has advice on how to thrive during the holidays
Ahhh, the holidays. Whatever it is you may be trying to change within, the externals, filled as they may be with family, friends, food, drink, spending, commercialism, merriment (forced?), travel woes and more, are guaranteed to provide an opportunity to see just how far you’ve come, and just what parts of yourself are still in need of your attention.
For many of us perhaps the holidays offer some combination of happiness and old wounds being pricked; wonderful and difficult significant others; personal growth opportunities that bring about a sense of accomplishment when we succeed, and those that remind us that there are still insecurities or unresolved resentments to be tackled. Artfully-speaking, the holidays have a way of showing us both our inner Norman Rockwell and our inner Edvard Munch.
Any and all of this may be sparked by, say, a racist, sexist or homophobic comment from Uncle Morty at the holiday dinner table. Or by a passive-aggressive gift from Aunt Louise. Or by the behavior of a sibling with whom you have a long history that turns ever more prickly each year. Or by any other big white elephant in the middle of the room.
Just the thought of returning to the family home at the holidays can elicit joy and peace, or a sense of dread, grief, anxiety, depression…or any combo. Let’s face it: at the holidays, childhood rears its head, and the quality of yours—plus whatever personal growth you’ve accomplished so far—will determine how it all feels.
So how do we gladden the tidings? My suggestion to you is that we absolutely have the power to allow this time of year to be an opportunity to do it more happily and healthfully…and maturely. Here are three tips to help make the holidays a time that feels good to you – with more peace, less stress.
Pray/meditate/ponder gratefulness. An attitude of gratitude is a powerful thing. And I believe that there is always, always something to be grateful for. So before your internal complainer has a chance to gather steam, think of this: Neale Donald Walsch (author of the Conversations With God series), reminds us that “The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.” And humorist Garrison Keillor puts it this way: “Thank you, God, for this good life, and forgive us if we do not love it enough.” Perhaps a gratitude meditation or affirmation of your own can help prepare you for whatever challenges your holidays may offer. Get to a quiet place…breathe…and remind yourself that no matter what, you’ll be ok.
Take care of yourself while you take care of others. In past Shrink Rap columns you’ve read about the problems that occur when you lose yourself in the busy-ness of the season, or when you put everyone else’s needs first without honoring your own needs and wants, or when you simply can’t say “no.” Diminishing your own importance, ignoring healthy boundaries, a lack of good self-care…these are the best ways I know of to plant seeds of resentment. If you get your holiday cookies through suffering or guilt or playing the martyr, it’s time to look at that. Because the holidays are when all these buttons are absolutely going to get pushed. So, you might as well start your process of paying attention now. Believe me, everyone will be happier.
Go hug a tree. Now, you can take this as literally as you’d like. What I mean by this is, take a break. Observe your own pace, and when you start to race too fast—talk too fast, eat too fast, think too fast, drive too fast—slow down. You know the feeling I’m talking about. So use it as a red flag to remind you to take a breath. Push the pause button. And maybe spend the afternoon over a long lunch with a good friend. Or call an elderly relative and really listen to them, with nothing else on your mind. Sit on the back porch with a cup of tea or a glass of mulled wine and breathe in the energy of the universe. Get out of yourself, and think of a creative act of kindness to do for a stranger. Play with the dogs. Go for a walk. Hug a tree.
I hope these suggestions help make your holidays the best ever. My gift to you is a wish for great joy, good health, and a forgiving spirit.
Until next time, from Byron Katie: “Our loved ones will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves yet.”
Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com