So you’ve had too many children Family Size recommendations
Hey, it happens. I don’t judge, I had too many children. Or maybe it’s dogs, or goats, or the hellish dog-goat hybrids you’re breeding. Either way, you need some room to schlep them around to your dark Satanic soccer games and/or rituals.
You might even be the kind of person who occasionally visits their parents and drives them somewhere from time to time, although given your track record I sincerely doubt it. After all, mom just carried you inside her body for nine months, no biggie.
No reason you should take her out for dinner once in your miserable life, if you’re not too busy with whatever it is you do instead of seeing your mother, presumably a weekend-long Fortnite and mescaline bender.
Regardless of your lack of filial devotion, you’ve still got those children and spidergoatdogs (I presume you threw some spider, or at the very least scorpion in there) to transport, which means the BMW coupe I talked you into buying last month isn’t going to cut it.
Our Family Size category is blind to anything but having room and a roof—no pickups allowed until next month.
New Pick: Buick Regal TourX, $32,000
Was a car nerd ever not going to pick a wagon? The Buick is the sole surviving American station wagon, and it’s a lot more like a gorgeous Volvo than any Family Truckster.
Most of them seem to be on lots in the top Essence trim level; all of them have AWD and a 250hp 2.0-liter turbo four.
Yes, you VW loyalists can get into an Alltrack for $5,000 less, but you won’t get the same level of features or exclusivity that come in a Buick. Plus, the ‘18s are starting to get heavily discounted.
Used Pick: 2011-2015 Toyota Sienna, $18,000-$22,000
There is only one used minivan worth buying, because aside from the Sienna (and the Buick Terraza), minivans are as reliable as your uncle when Boone’s Farm is on sale—I’m looking at you, Honda Odyssey transmissions. The Sienna, however, particularly the 2011-’15 Sienna, is so reliable it drags the entire segment upwards. Unless you don’t like your minivans boring, it’s the only one you should consider, used or new.
Performance Pick: 2006-2008 Dodge Magnum SRT-8, $18,000-$20,000
Dodge briefly stuck their 425hp 6.1-liter Hemi into the Magnum Wagon, and sold about 4,200 of them, total. It was fast and special, a complete engine, transmission and suspension package that cut laps a hair behind Dodge’s own Viper.
Your significant other doesn’t need to know it’s anything other than a very expensive, very loud used wagon.
Affordable Pick: 1998-2011 Lincoln Town Car, $7,000-$10,000
“But Dave, all of these are 20 large and up. I can swing at most $150 a month.” Then you, my friend, need a Town Car. It’s hard to convey just how much room there is inside one, but it’s a lot.
The other thing you won’t know until you drive one is what a great freaking car it is. They’re built like tanks, go forever and never break down.
Find one that’s been in private ownership (not a limo) and you’ll own it for the next 30 years.
(Just make sure you have the correct number of stick figures on your back window.)
David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. Follow him on Twitter as @proscriptus.