The good doctor has five tips to help you through the rough spots
I once heard a wonderful lecture given by Blanche Hartman, who is affiliated with the San Francisco Zen Center. She spoke about loving the world. And about having a heart that is big enough to do so.
But first, she advised, one must develop a heart that allows for the loving of oneself. Then, and only then, can a person open his heart to share it with all other living creatures. This process, she said, begins at home, within yourself.
You’ve read before in this column how in order to be of use to others, we must first be full ourselves. Having enough is what allows us to share. I’ve used metaphors such as, The first task of the heart is to pump blood to itself and Without enough principle, we cannot generate the interest needed to share with those we love or those in need.
The healthiest relationships I’ve known are the ones where each person is in the process of developing enough. Enough esteem, security, desire, lessons learned, and love, that they can freely share of themselves. Their openness says: I want to share what I have—me—with you.
On the road to any loving, spiritual connection, there are going to be bumps. And achieving a deep level of understanding and love must include knowing how to navigate these rough spots. Even in an intimate relationship that’s healthy and strong, communication is one of the primary areas where couples run into trouble at one time or another.
Which brings me to “fair fighting”. Most of us don’t enjoy arguing with our sig others. But anger is not the enemy. Anger is a perfectly healthy emotion. In fact, anger can be quite helpful: It can motivate us into action; it can clarify our thoughts; and it can provide a jumping-off place for productive communication. However, this doesn’t mean that we always express our anger constructively. I mean, how many of us had parents that said, “Oh good, honey…you’re angry. Let me hear all about it!”
So remember this: occasional arguing is an indication of passion. And a constructive argument can bring greater closeness when resolved, while a destructive argument can cause a tear in the fabric of the relationship…if not now, then in the future when your partner comes back for a re-match, or worse, revenge.
So, before you walk away and slam the door, consider these fair fighting guidelines to assist in the productivity of your heated communications:
1. Learn to move the issue from you versus me, to you and me versus the problem. It’s a major shift in thinking that says, you are not the problem, I am not the problem, we have a problem in the relationship. If you’re both on the same side facing it together, without blame, you become a team again. (Relationship counseling can be very helpful with this technique.)
2. Learn to be a patient listener. Before you state your opinions, pause to make sure you’ve really heard what was just said to you. If all your sentences begin with “I”, you’re not listening…you’re waiting for your turn.
3. Learn to use “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel…” It’s less accusatory, less threatening. Saying how you feel may take practice, but it will help you understand each other better.
4. No blurting. “You’re a pig!” is not helpful. When you feel a blurt coming on, take a deep breath and try to use one of your non-accusatory feeling statements instead. “I feel hurt/angry/resentful when...”
5. Don’t go to bed in a huff. The more familiar saying is not to go to bed angry. But I don’t think that’s realistic. If you’re angry, you’re angry, and if it’s bedtime, guess what? You’re headed to bed angry, which is preferable, frankly, to staying up till the wee hours fighting, getting more tired and confused, and increasing the chance of saying hurtful things. Instead, agree to work on the problem the next day, after you’ve rested. You’ll gain clarity and a better perspective in the morning.
One final tip: After the dust has settled (perhaps along with some great make-up sex), realize that you’ve weathered another storm, and just maybe your heart is bigger for it.
Till next time: “To err is human, to forgive is canine.” (Anonymous)
Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com