The good doctor on why early affirmations are absolutely vital
I wish to share with you a story about a former patient of mine whom I worked with many years ago in Los Angeles. Let’s call her “Janine”.
Throughout Janine’s childhood she received some very powerful, toxic, esteem-damaging messages, especially from her alcoholic father. No matter how hard she tried, she heard, “You’re not doing well enough in school. You’re not helping out enough with your brothers. You’re not making us proud.”
These were all, of course, variations on the main theme of “You’re not good enough.” And, in the way that children do, this morphed into “You’re not lovable” and “You’re not wanted”.
So naturally, Janine didn’t feel deserving of love for most of her life. This, despite becoming a hard-working, successful professional after many years of being a straight-A student at university.
Janine didn’t feel “good enough” because it was ingrained into her psyche to believe this. So of course she worked extra hard at everything she attempted—when you start by not feeling good enough, coming home with an “A” becomes urgent. It’s a way to please the voices in her head, and a way to earn herself a shred of self-esteem.
Also, this was Janine’s method of attempting to control what had been an uncontrollable childhood: Eternally living in fear of not pleasing Daddy guided all her behavior.
Here’s the big take-away: Each time we act for the approval of others, we put ourselves in a state of anxiety and dependence. We are dependent on others’ acceptance and anxious that we won’t get it.
Read that again, please. Now take a moment and think about whom you feel the need to please. Ask yourself:
- Who is the first person to come to mind?
- Are you aware of the anxiety you feel when you’re with this person, or even think about this person?
- Are you aware of your anger toward this person?
- Are you aware of the ways your dependence upon their approval plays out in your adulthood?
- Are you aware of how much energy it takes to keep this going?
It’s exhausting to feel responsible for the happiness of others, for pleasing others, all the time, because it’s at your expense. It’s a psychological ball and chain, and can even cause people severe depression, and to experience physical effects like ulcers and heart attacks.
Eventually, Janine’s anxieties got the best of her. After become ill enough to require hospitalization, Janine knew she had to turn her life around. Her ongoing therapy helped her get in touch with the sources of her issues as she asked herself why she was so dependent upon pleasing others. And so fearful of not being able to control that.
Ironically, because of all this people-pleasing, most people really didn’t like her very much. Which of course increased her efforts. It became a vicious cycle.
Through hard work, Janine made tremendous progress, which not only reduced her own unhealthy urges, but began to open up parts of her life she only feared before, such as socializing and seeking companionship.
She’s a good example of believing that there’s always hope, no matter what messages you received during the early years.
Everyone’s early life situation is different. But only you can make the commitment to grow through that pain, understanding that while healing does not happen overnight, it does happen.
And you deserve it.
Until next time, a few affirmations: I am not doomed to a life of victimhood. I am not controlled by my past. I am on the road to freedom.
Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com